DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My new young lady friend takes Halloween seriously and really goes all out. She is younger than I am and she's been into things I'm too straight to want to know about. Last night after two bottles of wine over dinner, she suggested we invite a certain couple over in vampire costume "for a scene" on Halloween -- for a foursome. I choked. She said she'd already made "inquiries" and knows this couple is into group sex and thinks we are attractive. I don't want to dress like a stupid vampire to have sex with her and certainly not with another couple. I think the 11-year age difference is catching up. Please help. -- Man, 38, Not a Vampire, University of Manitoba
Dear Man: Halloween will pass soon enough, and your 27-year-old girlfriend should probably pass out of your life with it. This could be a good thing -- the excuse you need. The gap between you is not just one of age and stage, but of sexual style and preference. She is adventurous and open to group sex, and you are not. You're not about to get into costume to play roles either. At 38 and straight you're not a match for this wild thing, so why continue? You two are incompatible sexually. It's good to know these things early on, and now you do. What will you do about it?
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is mesmerized by porn. I have asked her to go for help but she says she likes what she's doing, and I get lots of sex from her. She says there's "no problem." She says I get more sex than most married men because she is stimulated by the porn. Great. I took an evening when she was out at the VLTs to see what she was looking at, and I felt shocked, totally humiliated. This is what she wants? These guys are probably "photo-enhanced' but I get the big idea. It's all about size and I will never be that size. I thought it was grotesque. But she seems to like looking at these guys. Does that mean she wishes she had that with me? Ain't going to happen. Is that what she thinks about when I have sex with her? I am thinking of packing my bags. What can I do? -- Normal Size Guy, Steinbach
Dear Normal: Tell her now much you hate her porn habit and ask her to stop. Tell her there are specialized counsellors who can help her to kick the habit. If she says she's not going for help -- a real likelihood -- you have a decision to make. Porn habits have ripped a lot of marriages apart. Some people might suggest you pop up your own porn sites, and sit beside her, but that's like living parallel sex lives, where you and she are not really the connection. Your best hope is if she sees you're serious about leaving, and doesn't want to pay that price.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Years after abandoning my wife, I came back to Manitoba because I really missed home. My first mistake was going to a social with old friends. Some of her crowd was there and they phoned my ex-wife immediately. She showed up at the social and she had a few drinks of hard liquor as soon as she arrived. About halfway through the next hour, she walked over to my table and hit me so hard across the face I thought I heard my jaw bone snap. She was coming at me for more, but her friends pulled her off. I had to go see my best friend who is a doctor, but he said I was OK. At the social, she yelled, "Get out of Winnipeg, you $%@#& or I will make your life a living hell." Should I go back to Edmonton? -- Dead Serious, North End
Dear Serious: You have a right to live in Winnipeg if you wish, without being assaulted. You don't say what you did as far as ditching your wife is concerned, but that doesn't excuse her pounding you in the face. Uttering threats is also against the law. If you wish, you can lay charges. If you feel like you deserve one hit for what you did to her six years ago -- this is my hunch -- let it be known through a reliable branch of the lightning-fast grapevine that you will go to police and charge her if she ever utters threats or touches you again.