DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 26 and just ate myself into a breakup. I was in love for the first time and started having sex for the first time, too. I really love sex, but for four months I ate everything in sight. It started as soon as I felt my new boyfriend might be interested in this other girl where we work. While she flirted with him I stuffed my face. I gained 32 ugly pounds since Sept. 30. I blame her for coming on to my boyfriend.
I secretly ate at the restaurant where we work, in the bathroom, in the car on the way there and back, at lunch break and when I got home, especially if he didn't call or he was late. I'd imagine he was with her and picture them having sex. He broke up with me after work last week. He said I have major anxiety and jealousy problems and that I was gaining so much weight by stuffing myself that I had lost my body. It was so dirty and mean!
I talk way too fast and I can't stop blabbing. Do you think I'm nervous? Should I go to a shrink? What's wrong with me? Am I crazy? Please help me! He says he's not in love with the other girl and that I made it all up in my mind. -- Can't Do Anything Right, North End
Dear Can't: The basis of anxiety is often deeply rooted fear, but it can also be a chemical imbalance. You need to see your physician, spill the whole problem out in a mish-mash as fast as you really talk (don't hide it) and let your doctor see what is happening with you. Confess you just lost your first real love over this and you don't want to be anxious like this anymore and want help, perhaps an anti-anxiety course.
Be patient with yourself, and also get working on exercising off the weight you gained. It can't be healthy for you to have gained 30 pounds in four months and it would be equally unhealthy to starve yourself now. Exercising twice a day will also help you to calm down.
It's time to take a break from romance and get yourself together. Is it too difficult to remain working together at the same restaurant? If so, start looking around and get another job before you quit this one. Being unemployed will only make you more anxious.
There's a long queue for a psychiatrist in this province, but psychologists are often included on group insurance plans at work. Relationship counsellors can cost anywhere from $25 to $75 a visit. Even two or three visits can be a lot of help. Start with your physician ASAP.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've have been in a common-law relationship 10 years. From the start I made it clear I'd like to get married. His children are grown and we are both not far from retirement. This is important not only to me, but others, and he's aware of this. When I bring up marriage he gets mad and says I "know how to ruin a mood." I know changes don't come easy to him, but this is ridiculous. We can go to city hall and do this nice and simple. Why won't he marry me? What is the problem? -- Confused Lady, Winnipeg
Dear Confused: He's not big on marriage, and he didn't have to get married to be with you in a big way. The only way you're going to move this along is to be willing to lose him. Tell him you want a marriage, and since he's not willing to step up to the plate, you're being forced to move on. Tell him you love him, but you can't waste more time with him.
Then you have to step away -- don't let him be friends or bed buddies. If he's just balking because he thinks he can get away with it, he'll step up quickly rather than lose you. Then, your next date is a trip to a marriage commissioner. If he's not in love with you enough to ever marry you, then you have called his bluff and are free to find someone who loves you deeply and wants to be married to you.
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