DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I woke up with my wife upside down in the bed. She was sleeping with her pillow at the bottom. She said my "bed breath" is so bad she can't stand it any more. She says she wakes up to my snoring and teeth grinding and sleeps badly all night. She says my breath has gotten so bad she had to vacate the top of the bed, put on the fan and open the window.
When I made fun of her for it, she said, "OK, Devil Breath, my next move is to the guest bedroom, so watch your mouth." I asked her what I can do about it, and she yelled, "You're a big boy, figure it out!" What's to figure out? I sleep well and am perfectly healthy. I hate going to see doctors for nothing. -- Devil Breath, Island lakes
Dear Devil Breath: For nothing? You have plenty going wrong in your bedroom, and you'd best get yourself to a doctor and a dentist ASAP before your wife moves into another room. Closeness, pillow talk and cuddling often lead to sex, especially if a couple sleep in the nude, but frankly, they both need to smell appealing, and that's no longer happening with you.
If you weren't so self-centred, you'd feel badly that your wife can't get a decent sleep anymore and that she's upside down in the bed with your feet across from her head. There many things that could be causing your problems, and if your breathing is causing the room to smell bad, something serious is going on, such as sleep apnea where you quit breathing for a few seconds, and can die.
You need to participate in a sleep study, and that requires a visit to your physician. Your dentist may also be able to help diagnose a problem that seems to be multi-pronged. Make those appointments today. If your room is dry and your nose stuffs up at night, you will be sleeping with your mouth open to breathe. As a stop-gap measure, get a humidifier going in your bedroom and try the breathing strips from the pharmacy designed to keep your nasal passages open.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: On holiday, I went swimming in Mexico every day with my boyfriend. Then he would take a nap and I would go for a drink at the bar by myself. Another woman had an absentee golfer husband. After a few days of getting to know each other intimately, she invited me up to their suite. She brought food and tequila out to the balcony. We'd had a lot to drink and went inside. She jumped in the shower and then poked her head out and invited me in. I went, and you can guess what happened. Now I'm back in Winnipeg and it all seems like a dream. Does this make me a lesbian? -- Vacation Adventurer, Winnipeg
Dear Adventurer: It's interesting you're more concerned about your sexual label than about cheating on your boyfriend. (That'll teach him to go for too many naps.) How would you feel if he were walking to a downtown bar to meet a guy every afternoon? You two need to talk about many things -- your cheating, his leaving you alone every day and general disrespect on both sides.
As a for your sexual label, we are all on a sexual continuum that can change slightly or to a great degree depending on our life experience and circumstances. You'll have to see what unfolds -- it may be nothing, or it may be a new desire that lasts.
Please send your questions or comments c/o email@example.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6