Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I saw a bear in the woods near my cabin. I locked the doors and pushed furniture up against them, and waited in silence until he lumbered away.
I'm scared to go back now. It is my own beautiful cabin in the bush by a lake, left by my grandparents to me. I love it, but this year I have no boyfriend and I go there alone. Because I'm writing poetry and songs for a CD, I don't really want company. Then I have to cook and entertain. How can I get comfortable with going back to my cabin? Can anybody help me keep away the bears? -- Scared Stiff of Bears, Winnipeg
Dear Scared: Think stink. Cooking and garbage smells are seductive. Kitchen exhaust fans are a siren call. Bears have better noses than humans and can smell food in old refrigerators or freezers. The ends of drain pipes from sinks and dishwashers often contain tidbits of old foods. Diapers are delicious; so are unrinsed containers and dirty paper plates that went into a garbage bag. Even empty garbage cans themselves carry an attractive stink, so use Lysol on them. Also, get the bear-proof cans with airtight, snap-on lids. Keep all meats in sealed containers and think twice about using the barbecue when you're all by yourself there.
Rather than not using the beautiful cabin, loosen up and bring friends for protection this summer, the kind who can take care of themselves. You can write when they're canoeing, swimming or cooking. When they're sleeping, write by the light of the moon.
If any cottage owners in bear country have suggestions, especially to do with noise and weapons, please write in with help.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My latest girlfriend is obsessed with Adam Lambert, even though he is gay and "out" about it. He's 15 years younger than she is. She has all his fan paraphernalia and was front and centre at the Queen concert with her girlfriends. Ridiculous, at her age!
I didn't go with her, as I would have felt redundant. What kills me is I find myself jealous of a gay man. She tries to get me to dress like him, but at five-foot-seven, I'm hardly a stand-in. I'm aware he's a natural redhead like me, but that's where the resemblance ends. I refuse to dye my hair and eyebrows black. Should I break up with her? Weirded Out, East Kildonan
Dear Weirded Out: A lot of guys have put up with mates who were in love with Elvis Presley/Paul McCartney/Jon Bon Jovi. Some women have even taped posters on the ceiling over the bed for convenient over-the-shoulder viewing. Whether the sexy star is gay or straight makes little difference to the fan, as they know they're never going to get close enough for that to be an issue.
Some boyfriends or husbands think it's amusing for a while, but most get sick of playing second fiddle to a fantasy man who sings and dances in their girlfriends' or wives' heads as they try to have sex with her. Ironically, most women would HATE knowing the identity of a female sex symbol writhing in her man's head during sex. It's highly insulting.
Let this immature girlfriend of whatever age go home to her poster collection of Adam Lambert and free yourself up to find a woman who thinks you are sexy. Find out early on if she has crush on a celebrity. Ask casually, but take the answer very seriously, as in, "The cheque, please!"
Please send your questions or comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg R2X 3B6.