Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I went to a friend's wedding this summer and cried like a girl. I'm a guy and people looked at me like I was nuts. I cried because it was so beautiful and I don't think I'll ever get married. I'm a nerd to the Nth degree. I'm old-fashioned, have strong morals and go to church. I'm still a virgin and don't know how to be a romantic boyfriend, though I'd like to find out. I have a lot of guy friends in sports, but they go out with flashy women who like the dance clubs and want nothing to do with me. I am awkward, sometimes emotional, organized and a big neat freak. I like formal suits, kids, dogs and cats. I mean, who the hell is going to want that? Should I try to get rid of my virginity? -- Nerdy Guy, 24
Dear Nerdy: The virginity thing is not a big deal to a woman who has the same mindset as you do -- in fact, it may be a plus. You need to look for a young woman who is cute and nerdy, not particularly fashion-conscious, smart like you and who thinks an animal lover is the greatest. Advertise for her in online personals, look for her in special-interest clubs, pet volunteering, your church and political party, if you have one. Your wife-to-be should also be organized and a neat freak like you so you can enjoy each other's organizing strategies instead of abhorring the other one's messiness. Ask your sisters, cousins and buddies if they know any "sweet, smart, cute, though not-flashy," girls they could match you up with. Everybody does, and you're a guy who can be trusted. P.S. In your personals profiles, be sure to mention you've "been known to tear up at weddings." The right girl will think it's adorable, but no sobbing allowed.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My fiancee and I got drunk and she wanted a face-slapping contest. it started as a kind of joke. It was just little smacks, and then she hauled off and walloped me. I stopped and crawled out of the van. I had a friend take her home and I walked home with a killer headache. The next morning I found a tooth loose and a problem in my back and neck. I don't know what happened, but something snapped and I don't want to be with her. I don't want her after three years of thinking I was in love with her. I want the diamond ring back. She claims she was so drunk she doesn't remember what happened in the van except her wrist hurt the next day. She texts me day and night. She says I'm being a "big baby" about all this — people get drunk all the time and do things they don't remember. My wife wouldn't! That's all I know. — Cold and Confused, West Kildonan
Dear Turned Off: There's no way for your mind to compute her not caring she hurt you, or even remembering. You were left with your head throbbing and a loose tooth, feeling like you just got a beating. You saw "playful" smacks turn into what felt like assault and you are in shock she would have it within her to do that, drunk or not. And now she is calling you a big baby? Tell her, "I want my ring back, now. I'm not in love with you anymore. It's a feeling not a reason, and I don't have to justify it."
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