Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/4/2014 (1033 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My left breast is bigger and more sensitive than my right. I know my boyfriend's heart is in the right place, but he keeps trying to resuscitate the right one, and it is never going to work and it's a waste of our time in the sack. I am so annoyed! Why doesn't he just give up already? I have told him nicely twice. To try to recover his sense of being Mr. Fix-It, always on top of the situation, he tried to call me "Lefty" last night. I know of some asymmetrical parts of his body that I could name and tease him about but I am too much of a lady. How can I get him to accept that my left breast is good enough and the right one would like to be left alone to sleep? Please help me find the words. -- Enough Already, North End
Dear Enough: Try to lighten up about this with your guy. Self-consciousness around either of your bodies is poisonous to your mutual love life. You need to tell him you are not embarrassed or unhappy about only one breast being sensitive or a different size because the other one works overtime.
This is yet another case of having a spare part. Just like we have paired organs, so many of our body parts come with a spare. Tell him to just forget about the spare and stop "trying to fix what ain't broke." Once he thinks you're perfectly happy the ways things are, he'll relax.
Good guys just want to make their women happy; they're nervous when they think something isn't working and they should be able to fix it for you.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I told a big lie! I told my mother I wasn't pregnant, but I was. The pregnancy ended very early on. She had guessed I was pregnant from a conversation she overheard on the phone. I denied it and kicked up a big fuss. She forced me to go for a test and I wasn't pregnant by that time because it was over by then.
I am living with this lie and it is making me feel lousy because I have a great mother. I just didn't want to disappoint her. Should I confess? What if she doesn't like my boyfriend any more? That's what I'm afraid of. I would sneak to see him because we love each other. -- Scared Daughter, Winnipeg
Dear Should: Confess about your lie, the sooner the better. You say you have a great mother, so she is not going to turn on you, but you need to tell her how bad you feel about the lying. Tell her straight that you were indeed pregnant for a while, but had a miscarriage very early on. Then she will have a fit and want to know what kind of birth control you are using and perhaps want some input into your options to make sure you are doubly protected. Expect her to be upset about the lying, as well. Let her vent! Apologize profusely, and more than once. She will tell you when she's heard "I'm so sorry!" enough.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My son is a lot of fun, but he never leaves for good, like that guy who wrote from his parents' basement recently in your column. We definitely have a failure-to-launch problem with my kid, who is 33. He has taken up permanent residence in our basement and has nicer furniture than we do. If he has a girlfriend for a bit, he stays over at her place a lot, but this is his safe haven. When he wants to break up with her, he can.
The problem is I don't think he's looking for a wife or an independent existence outside the comfort of our house. I really felt this solidify when he turned 30 and started to pay us rent. He pays one-third of the mortgage and helps with utilities, too. He plans to stay forever, I think. My husband and I want him out. How do we tell him? -- Want Him O-U-T, Garden City
Dear O-U-T: Freak him out. Say, "Look, you're a nice guy and we've enjoyed having you with us to a point, but now we need you to move out. It's not about the money. We want our privacy back and the whole house to ourselves so we can enjoy a second honeymoon and go naked 365 days a year if we want to. We don't feel free to do that with you here. It's time for you to look for a house to buy or an apartment, and we need you gone by June 30. We're starting the honeymoon July 1."
That gives him time to find a place and get settled. If you can't get the words out, write them down in a note. Just get it done fast, and sign it with this parting shot, "We mean this seriously. Your blushing mom and dad." Then hold the line, no matter what he says. Tell him you want him out soon.
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