DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Talk about a freaky home invasion! I came home to find my new girlfriend had got into my house and was in my bedroom. I was so upset, I freaked out. She was sitting up in my bed looking pleased with herself, and she was wearing a stupid pink bow on her head, like she was a present. I yelled, "How did you get in here?" She said, "That's my little secret." Then I yelled, "You have invaded my home and my privacy. Get out of here before I call the cops!" She started to blubber, grabbed her coat and boots to put over her half-naked lingerie thingy and ran for it. She could see I was absolutely livid. Now I know she has one of my house keys, as one is definitely missing. Should I demand it back (she could have it copied) or change the locks or just forget it? I doubt she would come back after the way I yelled at her. -- House Invasion Victim, Winnipeg
Dear House Invasion Victim: Call the police if you wish, although it's unlikely they would do much. It sounds like you have grounds for trespassing at the very least. Your best bet is to change locks, so you can sleep tight. It's unlikely she copied the key but if she's devious enough -- or nutty enough to try again -- she might have done it in advance, planning to slip your key back in place.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last night my common-law husband faked an orgasm. I was flabbergasted. Earlier, I had initiated a discussion about his depressed feelings caused by my trouble-making family who have threatened to sully his work reputation, just to be vindictive to me. When I said, "I guess sometimes you wish you had never met me," he did not demur or give any response. Later we had sex, and before the faking was even finished, replete with even the little aftershocks, I knew it was a fake, as there were very definite differences from his normal breathing and sounds. I didn't know what to take from this. After all, when we women fake it, we think it's OK as long as it doesn't happen every time as we can't be in sync, and nearly always we take longer. But what does his "act" mean? That he knew he wasn't into it and just wanted to be done with it? That his ego couldn't handle a possible non-ending situation? Or, God forbid, is he no longer attracted enough? Whatever, I'm feeling at a loss, because I don't know what to say to this man I love so much. And I'm surprised he figured he could pull this over on me. Maybe he thinks I am distracted too much these days over my family. -- Shocked by Faking, Outside Winnipeg
Dear Shocked: Don't confront him about the faked orgasm just yet. That will only make him fear trying again. He may find his mind drifting to other things, the same way you say you are distracted. Is it possible you could compartmentalize the problems with your family for a bit and fake a less-troubled, less-distracted attitude on your side? Try to see his "performances" in a wryly amused sort of way (after all, YOU have probably done it more than once) unless it persists for a month. Surprised he could put pull it off? Interesting double standard there! Men report it's surprisingly easy to pull off a fake when you know the big finish isn't going to happen and interest is, er, falling rapidly. Why did he do it? At this point he is clearly aroused enough by you to start making love, so it's not a lack of attraction, but it seems he didn't have the heart to finish. The crippling ennui of depression can creep into the mind during the act if there are things he is really worrying about. Serious depression in most people can certainly crush desire at inopportune times. You and he need ongoing counselling help with the family issues, and possibly he needs antidepressant medication of the type that doesn't inhibit sexual desire until all this is resolved.
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