Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Come clean to mom about granny's dirty secret

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I love my grandmother, but am in shock over discovering her affair. She still works, and it must be some man she works with. I work two buildings over, so I drive her to and from work. I got off early and pulled up a half-hour early to pick her up, thinking I would read for a bit, and then saw her in a car kissing a man with silver hair. I can't believe it. The picture of them in my mind freaks me out. I honked the hell out of the horn and they both came up for air and looked around. I motioned to Gram to get out of his car and get in with me. She came over and said in a haughty voice. "Now the cat is out of the bag, I will get a ride with my friend." Friend? You don't do that with a friend! Thank God I am on holidays for two weeks now. I refuse to drive her to her affair man and back every day. My grandfather? An alcoholic, but a nice guy who doesn't deserve this. Should I tell my mom? -- Didn't Want To Know

Dear Didn't Want To Know: Tell your mother. Kids of all ages shouldn't have to honour the dirty secrets of their families. Let your mom raise the roof. That is also not your responsibility, unless you want to have a few choice words with grandma over this at the same time you're telling her she's now taking the bus to work. You also don't need to speak about this to your grandfather. Your mom will decide about that. Your only job is to raise the alarm to your mother. That's it. As for rights, you have every right to be angry and to declare your boundary which is not to drive grandma to her lover. Say that to her as loudly as you wish.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was engaged to a woman for two years and she broke it off with me four months before the wedding. It was terrible. I recovered, and had two shorter relationships after that -- not trusting anyone, always having to be the one in control, the one who breaks it off. Now my former fiancée, who married a different guy and is single again, says she wants to see me. Should I see her? I still "hate" her, so I know deep down I still love her. What do you think? I'd like to hear from your readers as well as you. -- Upset Guy, St. James

Dear Upset: Talk to her, and hear her story. Her marriage is over and she's asking for you. At the very least, you will hear something that soothes your ego substantially. Even if you see her -- and find you don't feel a thing -- you will feel better. Ignoring it only leaves this breakup at the extremely reactive point it still exists in your brain. Either she realizes what a mistake she made by giving you up, or you realize what a mistake you made by missing her so badly. Or, and this is the best result, both of you walk away realizing it wasn't meant to be. You're not as vulnerable as you think as you're not the innocent you were when she broke off the engagement. At the very least, ask all the questions you have held in your mind since that time. Unanswered questions are torture vehicles that come in the night and you have an opportunity to get rid of them.


Please send questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition August 8, 2013 C2

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