Counselling can help in your recovery

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I read "Why the Porno Emails?" from the woman who's husband got porn pictures daily, the hairs on my neck stood up. If I knew then what I know now, I'd suggest she go straight to online websites and questionaires to help her see if there's more to this than what he's telling her. Some years ago my long-term boyfriend/fiancé and I moved in together after years of going out -- and I thought I knew this "nice guy" well. But shortly after we moved in, he left some porn on the computer. When I confronted him, he was defensive, swore he rarely did that stuff and would quit. Fast forward another few years to our deteriorating relationship where everything is blamed on me, he is cold to me, and there's increasing emotional and mental abuse. It got to the point where I thought I was going crazy -- I couldn't quite put my finger on why he was acting so mean. As it turns out he has been a sex addict the whole time we were together (pretty much his whole adult life), and had been leading a double life. It is an addiction that uses lies, manipulation, mental and emotional abuse, emotional neglect, and extreme selfishness. I was too real and the fantasies were too easy, so he dumped me. I wasted a lot of years and it will take years to put me back together. -- Destroyed By His Porn Addiction, Winnipeg

Dear Destroyed: The porn addiction assessment quizzes online with the most credence are those on websites of serious counselling groups. Though they're mostly created for possible porn addicts to assess themselves, they do give insight into clues to a mate's unusual behaviour. Now let's talk about you: In terms of your recovery, you'd recover much faster if you didn't label yourself "destroyed" by this man's addiction. Contact Gerry Pettyjohn at Living In Freedom Therapy (www.livinginfreedom.ca). He's a certified sexual recovery therapist in Winnipeg, specializing in sex addiction and porn addiction and also in helping partners of those people. His number is 292-5058. Counselling from a specialist can really help. Yes, you were duped and it hurt terribly and damaged your trust and self-esteem. But don't give yourself up to a life of bitterness after this experience. That would be giving your ex power over more years of your life, even after he's gone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Talk about the weird power of Facebook. I heard a funny story from a Facebook friend about a woman who carried my last name and turns out to be my first wife. She said she never should have left her first husband. I contacted her on Facebook (still sexy and beautiful) and she immediately friended me. She was embarrassed I'd caught her saying what she did, especially since we broke up because she cheated on me big time. The thing is Im married now (unhappily) and she is free as a bird. She still wants to see me which both excites and worries me. Marriages were never a big deterrent to her freedom -- hers or anyone else's. Should I see her or not? I really want to. OK, she has already hinted at sex. -- Downtown, Winnipeg

Dear Downtown: It's dangerous, but you and I both know you're going to see her at least once out of curiosity and the recent boost to your ego -- likely a manipulation on her part. So the issue is damage control. Remember this: She is who she is, and even though she says she should have kept you around, that's not the same as saying she'd ever be true to you. Look at her as Ms. Heartbreak, not Ms. Second Chance.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 19, 2012 D3