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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Counselling might help to get the man to emerge from the boy

By: Miss Lonelyhearts

Posted: 07/10/2012 1:00 AM | Comments: 0

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been with my boyfriend for nearly three years -- started dating him at 19. The beginning was fun -- we drank a lot together and had the best times and sex every day. He's eight years older. Now I'm 22. We moved in together after six months of dating, and then had a baby, at the beginning of 2011. I've grown up a lot -- him, not so much. I feel as though I'm now falling out of love. I know I love him in some way, and he's absolutely head-over-heels over me. But we don't have the same relationship as before. Plus he's a huge slob, piggish, and can be selfish. We live with his mother, whom I love, but she is his bank! A week from payday, he's broke. I am a stay-at-home mom for the time being, and we don't have any bills other than giving his mother a couple of hundred dollars a month. We bicker frequently, and are only intimate once a week now. Some things are my fault -- I'm so tired I don't want sex when he comes home from work. He's also lacking in the fathering department. I'm so conflicted -- should I leave or stay? I KNOW I'm settling, and often desire to be with other men. I miss being independent, and I hate taking care of a 30-year-old child when we have our own 18-month-old baby to worry about. He has terrible habits like smoking in the house which is a huge no-no with the baby. His drinking can be an issue also. I feel like I can't leave and hurt his feelings, I'll miss his family, and I grew up without a full-time dad. I don't want my daughter subjected to that. -- Conflicted Mom, Winnipeg

Dear Conflicted: There's a reason a guy in his late 20s goes after a teenager. He's immature, and that's the big problem between you now. He hasn't stepped up to the plate to be a responsible husband and protective father. So first, you try counselling to see if you can get the man to emerge from the boy. If nothing changes, you emerge from the basement with a resumé in your hands, and find work, so you can move out. Predictably, the boy/man who is head-over-heels in love will see you mean business, go into panic mode, and want to move in with you. Don't allow that, at least at first. Tell him anyone who moves in with you will have a working budget, and not be a a drinker who can't be trusted with child care, or a smoker who is harming your baby's health. Besides, you may find you don't want him back, period. As for your dear mother-in-law, she can babysit at your place when you go out with your friends. Don't hire her as major baby caretaker in the smoky house, with a pipeline back to her son.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I heard my husband whispering into his cellphone, "Stop yelling. What if my wife hears this?" I stepped around the corner and said, "I did hear it. Get off the phone this minute." He stood there with his mouth hanging open, and the phone held away from his ear, so I grabbed it, called the woman on the other end a bunch of names and said, "You're caught and you're going to get it." Then I ran with the phone to my car and took off with the phone. "She" had hung up, but I knew who it was and called her back. I said: "Talk to me here and now or I will come to your house." So, I parked and we talked for 30 minutes. He treats her like crap just like he treats me and then blames it on his marriage. He told her a whole bunch of lies about me being cold and mean. The truth is I treat him like a king -- and offer great sex every day to hold onto him. I made the mistake of marrying a hot-looking player, thinking I could change him. I want stupid women out there (like me) to know "love" doesn't mean the end of chasing women for a womanizer. He still swears he loves me. Why doesn't my love go away immediately? I want to hate him but I don't! -- Broken-Hearted Wife, Tuxedo

Dear Broken-hearted: Deep love drains away bit by bit; it doesn't just disappear when appropriate. And, pockets of love often remain untouched in areas that were not touched by the infidelity, such as how nicely he treats the kids. You can be sure he will be phoning the lady friend again, trying to talk his way out of looking like the jerk she now thinks he is. His ego will demand that. He needs to be the exciting dark prince to someone in his life. People like this crave the drama of an affair. He may even say you're a psycho and a liar. Even if she finishes with him. he'll go fishing for a new woman. Meawhile he'll be using his skills to woo you back -- what a challenge for him! This much I know: You will need counselling to get yourself disentangled from this heartbreaker because he will have plenty of skills to reel you back in. He may even try to convince you it was your fault.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition July 10, 2012 D4

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