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Deal with your marriage before making a move

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can't control myself any longer. I'm happily married, but my marriage is lacking something. I don't know what it is. I've found myself connecting with, and thinking about, one of our sales reps at work. When I get up I look forward to coming to work and seeing him. He's loud, but always happy. He was hit by a car one day, and still came to work that morning. Since then, I've had a very special place in my heart for him. He's a strong man, who sounds like he was raised by a wonderful mother. He has children and grandchildren he talks about all the time. He's a great guy -- so different from my husband. I want to start something, but we work together and I know how these kind of romances can go so wrong, but I just feel like I need to take a chance.

I don't know if I am ready to leave my husband for him, and I think this guy might have a girlfriend, but I don't want to wonder later "what if?" He talks about hanging out at the Palomino Club, so I am thinking of asking him to meet me there, but not sure if that'd be the right thing to do. Should I approach him and let him know how I feel, and see where things go?I He does give me the impression he might like me too. Or, should I leave my husband first? Should I tell my husband that I am thinking of this other man? Please help! -- Lonely Lady Wanting a Chance at the Title, Winnipeg

Dear Lonely: You admired the sales rep because he dragged himself into work when he could have used the accident to pretend he needed time off. An honourable guy like this does not want a dishonourable woman. Until you decide you want to break up your marriage, you should not ask this guy to meet you at the Palomino Club or anywhere else. You will look cheap and dishonourable. The best you can do is say, "I wish I'd married a guy who is more like you" and see if that conversation goes anywhere. If you and your husband go to counselling and can't work things out, and break up honourably, THEN you can approach this guy after a few months have passed. But, you can tell him you have broken up, right after it happens. His eyes might light up or he might just say, "Best of luck in your new life."

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is way too fat. She eats like a glutton when we go out for dinner, which is her favourite pastime. She was in the bathroom with me and stepped on the scale and I looked over her shoulder and saw the number. I said, "YOU WEIGH 205 POUNDS!" She broke down and cried and said "It's your fault!" My fault? She weighted 135 when we got married five years ago. I know it's shallow of me to tell her she has to lose 50 of the 70 pounds or I'm going to say goodbye, but our plans to have children aren't even feasible at 205. She's a walking heart attack at this point. Do I know if I still love her? I don't know. We hardly ever have sex because she's too exhausted after eating dinner. How could she let herself go like that? I am still the same size guy she married. -- So Disgusted, Winnipeg

Dear Disgusted: Why did she gain 70 dangerous pounds? Why is she stuffing herself? Does it have anything to do with an empty marriage? Did it go cold a while back? And how about you? How do you feel about HER as a person, aside from the weight? After five years you've gone from loving her enough to marry her, to not sure you care. Is there a conflict over having a baby? Sometimes people put on a lot of weight for protection against something -- having sex, or getting pregnant or against feeling lonely. Gaining 70 pounds is a huge statement. It's crisis time. Get into counselling together.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition November 20, 2013 C4

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