Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Discovering your wife's kinky behaviour isn't an invitation to join the party

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I thought my beautiful wife was a lonely woman. I am away a lot and we only see each other on weekends when I am home. I love her, but am not "in love" with her. Oddly enough, she's seemed very happy about this arrangement! I am an IT expert and, out of curiosity, I got into her computer and had a look one night when she was out grocery shopping. Imagine my shock to find out she has a lover in another city who has been here in MY house, and had bondage and discipline scenes with her. He's in Winnipeg during the week for business sometimes, and I am always away out of province. I know it should make me hate her and want to leave her, but it intrigues me. I don't feel guilty for leaving her at home alone anymore, either -- she should be apologizing to me! I'm not sure what to do, but I think (am I crazy?) I want to be part of it. Should I ask her? -- Dying To Ask, Winnipeg

 

Dear Dying: Here's the thing most men don't understand about a partner's "kinky" behaviour. It doesn't mean a free-for-all. Your wife may be more deeply involved with this guy emotionally than she is with you. It requires a deep level of trust to get involved in BDSM scenes. If you want to have an open marriage and experience this kind of thing, talk to her about trying it together, but don't suggest a threesome. That is NOT the most natural thing to come out of your discovering what these two are up to, as it is not like swinging -- it is between the two of them. Saying nothing about this discovery of yours won't be an option either, as sex becomes dangerous with new people in the mix who bring their sexual histories with them. You have no idea who this lover of hers is, or where he's been. It's time for a heart-to-heart talk with your wife, and a decision.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I went to the States to consummate our relationship. Until we went to that hotel, we had never really had sex. It turns out I don't like sex with him. He thought I was a virgin and that was why I wasn't enthusiastic, but it was because he was no good at it. I have had a boyfriend before and we made love and it was wonderful. I have refused to see him for any more than coffee since we got back. Today I found out I'm not pregnant. Should I explain to him why I will not be seeing him for anything, anymore? There's no point in it. -- Disillusioned, South End

 

Dear Disillusioned: Try saying this: "I'm sorry, but I realized when we were in the States we aren't a match as a long-term couple." If he says something like, "If you didn't like the sex, we could hold off until we have been together longer," then you say something clearer such as, "That's part of it, but I know right now that we're not going to work out as a couple so I don't want to waste your time, or mine. Thanks for the nice time, but this is over now." Short breakups are better than long ones with hurtful things said to mull over for months afterwards. "It doesn't work for me" is all the person leaving a new relationship really has to say.

 

Questions or comments? Please email lovecoach@hotmail.com or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 16, 2013 A15

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