DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've just been dumped by my boyfriend for displaying myself naked in his apartment window to the street. It was 1 a.m. and not much traffic but, unfortunately, his uptight landlady who lives in the block was just coming home and saw me doing my thing in the window. She came roaring up and banged on the door, and said she was going to call the cops. My boyfriend woke up and, when he found out what was going on, he told the landlady he was breaking up with me, and I'd never be back here. I thought he was kidding, just to get rid of her and save me from the cops. But he wasn't. He gave me $20, called a cab and made me take all the CDs and stuff I'd left there. Do you think he ever really loved me? It seems he loves his apartment more, and I can't help loving what I do. -- Broken-Hearted Exhibitionist
Dear Exhibitionist: Did your boyfriend ever love you? You blew it and now you'll never know because you're not asking where you can get help. You just regret getting caught by this woman. The risk of getting caught and shocking someone is part of the thrill, although in your fantasy world you're hoping for a guy to see you naked and be shocked and titillated, though he can't have you. The way this landlady reacted is what's most likely to happen -- outrage and looking to call the police. What you do with your naked body is your business in private, but not when it's plastered to a window. You need to find a different way to get your kicks and by the sounds of things, you'll need the local constabulary or a good shrink to convince you of that fact.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: OK, I have a wife and a flirtation going on. I wouldn't call it an affair. This woman and I see each other at soccer games. I used to go out with her back in high school. We are both very attracted to each other again and the sexual tension is evident when ever we talk to each other. I can't help staring at her lips, which I suspect she had enlarged with one of those techniques. I am so curious what it'd be like to kiss her now she kind of looks like Angelina Jolie. She grew her hair out, too. Hell, she looks so great! My wife doesn't come to soccer -- hates sports -- but our only child adores any sporting activities. I'm not cheating on my wife, but I dream about this woman almost every night and I am afraid of calling out her name. What can I do about this? Don't tell me to take my kid out of soccer. It's not going to happen. -- Enamoured of Her, Winnipeg
Dear Enamoured: Soccer season is over in a few weeks. Don't make any plans to see this woman past soccer, and try to stay away from her at the last games. You can put your child in another team next season. Temptation shows up in most long-term relationships in the shape of an attractive other woman (or man) and we just have to recognize it can and will happen, and actively discourage it. The big mistake is to panic and think, "Oh, I am so attracted to this new woman. I must have married the wrong person, because there is only one true love." The truth is there are many soul mates for us all, and they don't stop showing up, though they come less frequently after we marry. Your wife will have run into attractive other men, too. What would you want her reaction to be?
Questions or comments? Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6