DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My neighbour is a fat ditz. I told her not to park on the flowers and grass behind my house fence, and yet she does it anyway. Last night she flattened all my decorative grass and the only fall flowers left. They were done-for, so I ripped them all out by the roots and threw them over her fence. I thought she'd get the message. But, oh no! Today she turned up at my front door carrying the dead plants and said, "Some sick person must have torn these plants out and thrown them over my fence. I just wanted you to know I didn't remove your precious plants." How dumb can she be? -- Irate Gardener, West End
Dear Irate: Your neighbour may be rude and inconsiderate, but she's not dumb. The word "precious" is a tip-off she was being sarcastic. She also insinuated the word "sick" into the message. That's what she thinks of your behaviour, and she wants you to know it. She also wanted to see your face and hear what you had to say, to see if she needs to be afraid of you and call the cops. You need to call a truce and work this out, for both your sakes. By the way, you have the right to protect your back fence flowers with a little wire fence, so do it now just to make a point and plant some bulbs to make yourself feel better.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This guy at work is known for being the naughty boy in our call centre. We flirt heavily and I hinted I would like to make it more, outside work. Yesterday he kept looking at me boldly and making funny (but clear) hand signals about how much he wanted me. Last night I didn't sleep all night. This morning I'm weakly fighting the impulse to call him and go right over there. My brain and body are so messed up, I can't remember why I shouldn't. I mean, he's just a phone call away and he wants me. No one takes him seriously, and this isn't exactly a career path for me. My best girlfriends say I'd be stupid to go and get used, but who would be using whom? -- English Major, U. of Manitoba.
Dear English Major: Fast forward a few weeks in your mind. You've been over to his place, got what you wanted so badly, and left. Now he's turning his attention to another conquest at work. How do you feel? The point is you likely don't know, until you've done it. For women there are usually more questions before the deed than after. For a guy, it's the reverse. So you can bet he isn't doing any critical thinking right now, except his next move. If you are a detached fun-loving babe this could be an athletic one-off. But, if you are the type who falls for a guy once she's had sex with him, this is a bad move. Which kind of woman are you? And consider this. If he's seen a long line of beauties like yourself between the sheets, he's a high risk for giving you a sexually-transmitted infection.