DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Last weekend I got the overwhelming urge to haul off and hit my boyfriend when he was drunk and vulgar to me. I know it's against the law but isn't it kind of different when a small woman hits a big man? I mean, what harm could I possibly do to this guy who's 6-2 when I am five foot-nothing? I'm just tired of his calling me dirty names and I feel like shutting him up big-time. I almost slapped him, but he grabbed my arm and said, "You'll be very sorry if you do that!" What exactly did he mean? I am tempted to find out, because he makes me so %$@& mad. -- Itching to Smack Him, West End
Dear Smack: Assault is assault. According to the law, you can no more haul off and hit your boyfriend than he is allowed to smack you, a woman. And, think about this: Your slap may sting and insult him and maybe even silence him, but his return slap could knock your block off. All you're doing is releasing your anger on him -- and inviting real damage in return. Don't expect he won't touch you because you're the little woman. Did you know blows to the head can cause concussions -- his or yours? So, why are you hanging around with this guy who gets drunk and obnoxious and insulting and makes you want to commit a crime? When you feel like hitting somebody, it's a loud message from your brain that you and Prince Charming have run your course.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Wait until my ex's new woman sees who I'm dating! At a singles event last weekend, I ran into "the one who got away" in her life. He told me that woman chased him for five years and couldn't get him to be her boyfriend -- except for sex -- so she settled on my husband and got him while he was still married to me. He was "easy pickins" because I was so tired of him that I asked him to sleep in the basement the last two years. So, there she is with my old cast-off and here I am with the guy she couldn't get. I'm not sure why she chased this guy so hard because he's OK to talk to, but he's not very exciting when it counts. My sister, who's close to me, says she thinks I'm just being vindictive and a real witch. What's wrong with that in my situation? I think it's natural. -- Check This Out Baby, River Heights
Dear Check: Your sister's right, but let's be reasonable about it. A little bit of payback feels good when someone has walked off with your husband, even if you didn't want him. But, once she finds out you're dating her old obsession, it's about time to stop. You don't care about this new guy and you don't care about your ex-husband either. This is a city with lots of men. Why waste your time on trying to pay people back? Imagine finding a guy you really and truly care about after all these years of coldness, or have you lost the ability to feel warm toward people? Some time spent in counselling would do you good right now.