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Ease into confession about adopted child

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Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been sitting on a burning secret for a long time and don't know how to finally tell it. I married the love of my life without telling him I had a baby when I was 16. He has no idea and only my family really knew. They sent me away to an aunt in Ontario where I had the baby and gave it up for adoption. I have kept this secret so long there is now the danger of the child coming to look for me. I am scared to sign the register, although I have thought about her every day of my life. Is it ever too late to tell a truth you have hidden so long? My husband is Mennonite and I wasn't before I met him. I don't know how he will feel about this. He thought he was marrying a virgin. -- Scared to Confess, North Kildonan

Dear Scared: Don't just blurt it out. If he might be as hard and judgmental as you think, you need to soften him up. If you tell him you have something very big that you need to tell him and he might be very upset, there is a chance he will jump to the ideas that you are seriously ill or there is another man. Tell him you have been afraid to confess because you are afraid he will have a terrible reaction. Let him sit on that for a few hours, and stew. Once he has thought of much worse things that could be in the air, you tell him about the baby, that she will soon be old enough to look you up and that you would like to sign the registry so she could find you. He may be relieved.

You do want to meet her, don't you? Even if she had a good adoptive placement and a good life, she will have a need to see you at least once. So sign that register without anybody's permission. She could turn out to be a plus for both of you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm very sad. I overheard my wife tell her girlfriend she thinks she got married to the wrong guy. I met her just after she broke up with her boyfriend from high school. We were both away in college and she had broken it off with him simply because she was going to another province, not because she didn't care.

I met her and one thing led to another and we got married and it has been great. What I overheard was that this guy has gotten in touch with her through Facebook and now he's asking to see her. She told her friend she was very tempted to meet him. He does business here a lot now because he is in national sales. I am sick about this and don't know what to do -- Sick to my Stomach, St. Norbert

Dear Sick to my Stomach: Speak up! Tell your wife you overheard the whole conversation and it has hurt you deeply. Ask her not to see this guy and possibly regenerate this relationship. Don't be afraid to remind her that he will be nothing like the young guy she once knew and that you have developed so much between you -- a whole life she could be risking over a high-school romance that failed.

How do you know it failed? Because she was quite willing to cut him off when she went away to school. She had time between high school and marrying you to want him back, or for them to move to the same city, and yet none of that happened. Don't feel it beneath you to woo her with flowers, extra attention, great sex, a romantic vacation and family get-togethers to show what you have together. Use all the emotional ammunition you can. You are battling for your love and this is war.

 

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 19, 2014 G4

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