DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a woman in a relationship for 30 years, married for 27. Needless to say, there are no big surprises in the bedroom. Besides cheating, I don't know what to do. I'm so bored. Not that my husband doesn't know what to do in the bedroom -- he does -- but it's the same old, same old. I want the "throw down, get it on" excitement! It makes me sad to think I will never feel that same new excitement again.
You may suggest going away or doing something different, but it won't work: we tried that, but it's with the same person. Other than cheating, I don't see a solution. I know I can't be the only person out there feeling this way. What do other people think? Should I just... Put Up and Give Up? Winnipeg
Dear Put Up: There are three main ways of getting more people into your married sex life. Role playing can bring all kinds of characters into the bedroom, but you'd have to start with the masked characters (both of you) to feel that thrill of anonymity and novelty. Read The Mistress Manual: The Good Girl's Guide to Sexual Dominance by Lorelei Powers as a starting point, as you need to be the initial one in charge of changing this boring marriage. Later, he may want to switch roles and be the dominant. Playing power games could bring "different people" out of both of you, such as ranch owner and cattle rustler or female pirate and ship's captain. The book will suggest many "first time" situations.
Also, check out local fetish event The Ball together. You can dress in costume and wear a mask if both of you are shy. The next one is April 6 at Ozzy's in the basement of the Osborne Village Inn. Check out the website theball.ca to find out about all kinds of lifestyles and sexual interests in Winnipeg.
If you are still longing for a completely different male body/person, there's swinging with one other couple, or more. A complete step towards variety is an open marriage. You can see other people and so can he. None of these suggestions includes a betrayal of your husband.
I notice you keep coming back to the cheating idea, as if that holds real interest for you. Write back and clarify that aspect. I invite anybody in Reader Land who has a solution for the boredom problem to weigh in, using the addresses below. Boredom is a silent killer in too many relationship.
You could go from boring to soaring -- some determined long-term couples do -- but it will take initial changes on your side, a period of waiting for him to catch up and then a renewal of interest for both of you. If your husband balks at first because he can do one thing well in bed, here's your argument: "If you bought an amazing musical instrument, would you stop at learning one song perfectly?"
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have been a booty call for a circle of women from a certain Winnipeg bar. l dance with them, go home and wait. Then the calls start coming. I pick the one I like and that's it for the night. Last weekend, one of the women was cute and new and I let her come over. I really liked her. She left $100 on the dresser, which I found in the morning, along with her name and phone number. Should I keep it or give it back? -- Just a Player, South Winnipeg
Dear Player: How does the money make you feel? Icky? I thought so, or you wouldn't have written. So call this cute girl and tell her innocently she forgot her money at your house, you're not that kind of guy, and to come and get it.
It's about time you stopped playing this booty-boy game and had a relationship with a girl you like -- what you've been doing hardens the heart. This new girl may be worth a date, once you start talking to her in depth, and you will feel the power situation has been tipped back in your direction. You'll feel good about yourself. If you like her, take her to a movie or to see a band instead of right back to bed. Get the idea? Start dating for real now, not playing the gigolo for this group of women.
Please send your questions or comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6