Winnipeg Free Press > Arts & Life > Diversions > Fight for your marriage, but do it in a subtle way

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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Fight for your marriage, but do it in a subtle way

By: Miss Lonelyhearts

Posted: 09/24/2012 1:00 AM | Comments: 0

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I do everything separately. We used to talk about making time for more closeness and togetherness. Now she talks about "more space" and needing to do our own thing. I know that's part of a healthy relationship, but now it's gotten to the point where I don't know the person I sleep with. We get together sexually about once a month in a stranger's embrace. I don't want our kids to have a broken home, but this relationship has gotten so sad and distant. She's the one pushing away the hardest and I wonder -- because she was a very passionate woman -- if she has something going somewhere else. I wouldn't know, because I hardly see her except to make arrangements for the kids' activities. Family dinners are not happening. Everyone eats on the run, and she cleans when she isn't working, like it's all-important. -- Broken Marriage, Intact Home

Dear Broken: If one person out of a couple starts acting differently, the other one can't act the same. If you start cooking Sunday dinners and inviting a few fun people over as the buffer zone, and have board games for the parents and kids afterward, she will be surprised. She may even give you "change back" messages or mock you the first time saying, "Isn't this a bit much" or "This is ridiculous when we're so busy." Do not fold. Get the kids to help with the cooking and have fun with them. Your wife will be curious -- this is something new. Find out about what she's interested in these days, like she's a new and interesting person. Instead of pelting her with spontaneity-killing comments like "I don't know you anymore," bring home flowers with a few loving words, and be casually affectionate, not just when you want sex. Act "as if" you are closer and if she's asks you "What's up? act innocent, smile and say, "I just felt like doing it." Then change the subject. Don't presume she's having an affair on no evidence. Since you're both working hard, you might want to hire a housecleaner so your wife isn't cleaning in her "spare time." Fight for your marriage in a subtle way.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I started seeing a very funny lady four months ago. We are in our 30s, and very silly. We laugh a lot and we're falling in love. The only problem is her 12-year-old daughter who hates men because of her dad, who walked out and pretty much disappeared. He has young kids and lives in Ontario now. She is rude to me. It came to a head last weekend when I said, "I'm not your dad. Please don't take it out on me," to which she replied with venom in her eyes, "And you'll never be my dad." Did I say too much? -- Shocked, West End

Dear Shocked: No, you actually said too little. You needed to explain, telling her how you're a hang-in-there kind of person and men are different from each other just as women are. She also needs to hear that you have no intention of taking her mother away from her. In the first flush of love you may have been taking up all of the mother's time she used to spend with her daughter. She may have felt like she had neither parent left over the summer. She doesn't see you as a replacement for her missing father, but as a threat to what little parenting she has left. You are dating a family, not just a funny lady. Start doing some fun stuff that includes the daughter, and talk over some changes with her mom. Kids need quantity time, not just quality time.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition September 24, 2012 D5

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