File under romantic memories and move on

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: At last, on the weekend at Grand Beach, I thought I met the love of my life. He was the most beautiful man I have ever seen and he was intelligent, funny and nice, too. I met him because I was alone on the beach reading a romance novel (blush) and he was nearby, also alone. He noticed my book! We spent a lot of time talking, in the water and on a beach blanket in the dunes. For me, it was a dream come true as I don't have a boyfriend. We did not make love although we kissed a lot. I told him he was a real gentleman. So, imagine my shock at the end of the sundown (about 10 p.m.), when he said to me that he wasn't really a gentleman, and he had to tell me the truth. While he finds girls pretty and all, and he loved kissing me, he's actually more interested in guys. I just felt helpless. There was nothing I could do or say. I asked him to walk me to my car and I went home. How's a girl supposed to know? I thought I had "gaydar," but clearly I don't. -- Dumb Fool, Transcona

Dumb Fool: A surprisingly small percentage of gay and bisexual men are actually effeminate. With most, you can't tell. Don't feel stupid because you didn't notice anything. Take it as a compliment that this lovely man was so attracted to you, a woman, and be grateful he was honest about his limitations. He was a sweet handsome man, and you had a wonderful day at the beach together. Frame it as a "moment" in your life -- a romantic memory, and just enjoy remembering it here and there.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: One day while using my boyfriend's computer, I stumbled upon pictures of his ex-girlfriend in the nude and provocative poses. I was confused as we have a very good sex life; we are intimate every day we see each other. But, I was away the last couple of days and I'm assuming why he was viewing the photos. This made me angry and feel very, very hurt. He still talks to her, on an occasional basis. Am I overreacting? Part of me says he does not respect me and I deserve much better. He still has pictures of her up in the house because he "wants to remember the different places he has been." He's refused to take these pictures down. Should I talk to him about all of this and work things out? Or would that be a waste of time and should I just put an end to the relationship? -- Hurt and Confused

Dear Hurt: Work out what? You can't sit him down and talk him out of still having feelings for her and keeping her photos up. He hasn't moved on in his heart, no matter what story he tries to feed you to keep you on board and in his bed. Want a guy who's totally into you? He's not the one. And, you can't persuade something emotional into being. He's knowingly taking a chance on losing you by leaving those pictures of his ex up on the wall, Bottom line: he doesn't care enough to take them down. What does it take to make you mad enough to walk away and find a 100 per cent love relationship instead? Wouldn't it feel better to be totally loved and adored -- to be The One?

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition July 1, 2012 G6