DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My sweet boyfriend is too heavy for missionary style. I can't bear his weight. I told him last night and he lumbered out of here like a wounded bear. I am tiny -- 98 pounds soaking wet. I can't let someone break my bones in the name of lovin'. I need to be gently treated. I used to have a tall, skinny boyfriend and everything worked fine except he was too old-fashioned for me and had bad breath all the time. I don't want any more of this big guy either with his large beer belly, although he is very kind and nice. So where does that leave me in a small Mennonite city in Manitoba? There's not much choice here. It seems crazy that I should have to choose a boyfriend by his weight. Can you help me? -- Tiny Woman, Steinbach
Dear Tiny: Unless you're deeply attached to the missionary position there are many others to choose from. The New Joy of Sex written by Alex Comfort and Susan Quilliam in 2008 replaced the 1972 version, and is an excellent resource with illustrations. You may find some positions that will not hurt your fragile structure and you can introduce them to your lover. A lot of people stick with straight missionary because they don't know any different. You be the teacher of what will please you and make you comfortable and maybe you can get that sweet bear to lumber back for a lesson.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend likes to wear sparkles on her skin when we go out somewhere fancy. I generally wear a formal suit or a tuxedo. Last weekend we went out to a charity event and came home to make love in a big hurry. It really seemed urgent at the time and we didn't stop to shower first. In the end, I was covered with sparkles which took two days and four showers to get rid of from my hair and body.
In the meantime, I took a big razzing at work and in the showers at my racquet club. She was highly amused at my embarrassment and when I asked her never to do that again, she just laughed and wouldn't make any promises. To teach her a lesson, I grabbed her and gave her a hickey on her neck which she had to wear to the hospital where she works. I thought she would understand this as tit-for-tat, but she was intensely angry -- cold anger. I don't know how to get us back on a good footing. Things are very awkward and frighteningly distant. I do care about her very much and haven't seen her in four days now. Please help. -- Blown it? Winnipeg
Dear Blown It: You're in big trouble with this woman and should be apologizing all over the place. You've heard of the expression "swatting mosquitoes with a sledge hammer?" That's what you did. It was a bad idea. It was not a tit-for-tat situation. Your girlfriend did something unintentional and it caused you some embarrassment with your friends. However, they probably know you have a girlfriend and how you got the sparkles, so you should have laughed it off -- they were badges of honour. But, grabbing your girlfriend and forcing a big hickey on her neck "to teach her a lesson" was more like assault. It is not considered a badge of honour to have a big coloured bruise on your neck which everyone knows is a hickey, especially when you are older, have a job and need to look respectable and professional.
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