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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION
Flavour of cheating is irrelevant: you're not ready to commit
DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm in big trouble. I have a longtime sex buddy I foolishly kept when I finally met the woman I want to marry. My sex buddy (never anything more) and I were into 50 Shades-style experimentation and I didn't want to subject my girlfriend, who recently became my fiancée, to this stuff. When my friend found out I'd gotten engaged, athough she has her own vanilla boyfriend, she was deeply hurt. "Is this the end of us?" she asked over and over again. Finally, I asked her about her feelings, and she said, "Over the course of our time together, I have fallen in love with you. I just kept my boyfriend to keep a balance." Then she said, "You know very well I'm your true soul mate, not her." I said, "You're deluded." Then she said, very slowly, "You... better... tell her!" I said, "That sounds like a threat" and she said, "It's time your fiancée knew the whole picture. I'm going to tell my boyfriend, too! Then we can be together." I'm freaking. My fiancée, who will be the lady of the house and the mother of my children, does not need to know my dark side. I can live without it. -- Threatened, Winnipeg
Dear Threatened: Take away the kinky aspect of this, and what you're left with is cheating. You don't give yourself over totally to anyone in a relationship. You're still 100 per cent in the driver's seat, and you go wherever you want to go. You're not ready to get married to anybody! It didn't even occur to you to let the second woman go when you were buying a ring for someone else. This is not the behaviour of a mature man who is entirely in love. You also see your fiancée in a Victorian role -- wife, mistress of the house, and mother of your children. To marry in 2012, you need an integration of deep friendship and sexuality -- or why bother? Perhaps your fiancée is into power games and role-playing herself. How do you know if you never ask? She may be more adventurous than you know -- or she may find it creepy. At least find out where she stands. And, be clear on one thing: You're not going to be totally satisfied with a vanilla mate who finds it creepy. Meanwhile, postpone or cancel wedding plans until you've sorted out your life. Should you tell your fiancée before this other woman does? It'd be best, as this woman could show up at your wedding or tell now, or at any time down the road.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Almost 22 years ago, I gave up a child. That person has found me and now I have a grown son I love. I don't know if he loves me, though. He's still pretty angry that I gave him up. His adoptive parents weren't very nice to him. I wouldn't even have been able to feed him at the time. I am Catholic and did not want to abort. I struggled through a teenage pregnancy to have him. My parents wouldn't have me come back home to live with my baby. They were tough about it. What do I say to him to get his forgiveness? -- So Sad, Tuxedo
Dear Sad: Tell him what you have told me. In fact, show him the letter. Tell him you will answer all his questions and have a big long talk. Allow him to cry and express his unhappiness and tell him you would have loved to keep him if you could. Tell him you always thought about him and you love him deeply, even if he doesn't love you yet. Keep inviting him to do things with you and to come for dinner. Introduce only people from the family you think he might like. If your parents will be cold and unloving, they get one introduction. He doesn't have to win them over. In a way, they kept him from being with you. Try to get him to go for counselling with you. When he processes his many feelings -- past and present -- he may come into a feeling of loving you, his birth mother.
lovecoach@hotmail.com
Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition September 7, 2012 D6
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