DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is a bit nuts when it comes to Christmas. She always likes to put the kids to bed, get a little tipsy on champagne and do the wild thing with me under the Christmas tree. This year our kids are not in cribs. They are old enough to hear something and come out of their big boy beds to see what's happening in the living room. I told her the tree nonsense was off this year. I don't want our kids traumatized by their parents. My wife is not so sensible. She went into a big sulk and said, "Well, that's the end of the fun in this marriage if you're going to start being a wet blanket. This was what made Christmas special between us." I told her she might be immature, but I wasn't going to take foolish chances, and all the fun would have to be in the bedroom from now on. She gave me "the look" and called me the worst name in the book she has for me -- "you %$*& accountant." I don't see how we can fix this. Do you? -- Boring Accountant, Tuxedo
Dear Accountant: Get creative, Boring Accountant. Go to the hardware store, and for a few dollars, buy some little hooks for the kids doors. Only hook them for the time you are under the tree playing Santa Baby. Then unhook them, and go to bed. Next day you can remove them until next year. If the kids want you during the time you're under the tree with Mrs. Santa, they will certainly bang on the door. Tell them if they hear a little noise in the living room and it wakes them up, "Don't go out and catch Santa putting out the toys. Call loudly for mom or dad. A little low music should disguise any lovemaking sounds. (You can do fun stuff, and have kids too!)
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think I'm in love with the man who lives two doors down. We share a love of Christmas yard decorations and got to know each other by having a friendly competition the last few years to see who could do the best lighting. I should confess I'm not as single as he is. (He's separated.) My husband, who bores me stiff, still lives with me. The kids are 18 and 19 and gone off to university. Well, a few nights ago I phoned my neighbour and went over to present him with a prize as he had clearly outdone me this year. He graciously invited me right into his home, for the first time, and I was astounded. It was kind of James Bond-ish and I was intrigued by the fireplace and the big fur rug and the sexy chocolate brown leather furniture and everything on such a large scale. (He's a big guy himself). I felt like a doll perched on his sofa. He poured me some champagne and we had a wonderful visit. I excused myself to go to the bathroom and passed by his bedroom. OMG. It had a giant leather bed and satin sheets with the sheet turned down and a big candle thing burning in it with fur branches all around on a table, with an ice bucket. I felt him put his arms around me from behind. He had walked into the hallway and caught me staring at this bed. I asked him if was expecting someone over, and he said, "Yes, you." Well, that was it. You can guess what happened. I went home later and I didn't even feel guilty. I felt happy and loved to death. Now what do I do? He said he'd been waiting for me to come to him. I know I am about to have an affair on my own street. He told me he had fallen in love with me over the last two years. Oh My God! Now what do I do from here? -- Falling In Love, Winnipeg
Dear Falling: You have some decisions to make, so how about you stay home until you make them? If you want to be single to be with this fellow, you have to leave your husband. You could stay until you get caught, but that's a terrible idea. The neighbours will catch on fairly quickly once they see you going over to visit the single guy on the street and staying for hours. So, since you and this guy are to become an item, it's best you split with your husband and you get out of the neighbourhood and have the new man in your life over to your place. Try to be as classy as possible in an already unclassy situation and stay at home these Christmas holidays. Christmas is a terrible time to break up a marriage, so hang on and address the breakup in January.
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