DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've been with a man for four years. The first year was great; we were totally in love and happy, he treated me like I was the most special woman in the world. We went places, did things, he always bought me flowers and clothing. The last three years have completely gone downhill. He has lost three jobs and has worked for approximately seven months in total. The last 1.5 years he refuses to work and continues to put me further in debt, along with damaging my property, and then denying it. He's also using an arrogant, mean attitude. I want him to leave, and he won't. He says he lives here, and isn't going anywhere. How do I get him out? -- No Longer in Love, Winnipeg
Dear No Longer: The modicum of shame he feels comes out in his mean and arrogant attitude. Since he's clearly a man who can be bought for a roof and groceries, you might offer to pay his moving costs to some other friend or relative's home. Let him know new paying roommates are moving in. If he won't leave, ask family and friends to help you put his things out in the yard, or send them to his parents and change locks that day. Family and friends can help when he shows up to confront you, and he will. If he gets nasty, call the police. If he gets violent with you, police will definitely remove him, but you don't want to let it get to that. Moving a new roommate to fill the space will help him to see it's past the time he can't bull his way back into the building. By the way, why didn't you boot him out three years ago? Get some counselling around that important question.
Dear MIss Lonelyhearts: I took my boyfriend to the Half Moon as a treat and he ordered four different kinds of hotdogs and a big drink for himself. I had just enough money to pay for it, but the sight of him gorging himself with those wieners just turned me right off. I said, "You're really quite a pig, aren't you?" and he said "What's your problem? I'm skinny for my height and you're a real fatso. You're starting to look and talk like your mother!" He knows I hate my mother. I got up and left before he could jump in the car. He had to hitchhike home. Now he says he's sorry, and I should give him another chance. I would only do it to torture him further. Should I? -- Fatso
Dear Fatso: When it gets to the point where you make a guy hitchhike because you're so offended by a fight and you're looking to torture him, you're finished. Done. Caput. Over. The end. You don't give each other any more chances together, unless you two are big games players who both get a kick out of insults and drama. Then this is just another round in the ring.
Questions or comments? Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6