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Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Give back the ring, say goodbye to him

By: Miss Lonelyhearts

Posted: 04/30/2012 3:16 AM | Comments: 0

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 20 with a man of 27. I've known this guy for a number of years, but we'd lost touch for many years. He found me on a yearbook website last October. We met up and hit it off. We've been together six months, and are engaged. The thing is, I don't think he's ready to settle down. He's lied about little things throughout our whole relationship. There are times where he doesn't come home when he says he will, and he'll disappear for days. He says he's with his relatives, but I don't know what to believe. He's lied so much. Recently, he's "with his family" most of the time. He's always talking on his cell phone when I ask him to spend time with me. I also found out his cousin hates me for no reason, and he doesn't defend me to her. Please help me. -- Sincerely Confused, Winnipeg

Dear Confused: This man is distancing himself from you. Marriage requires coming closer and he isn't into doing that. He just doesn't have the guts to tell you the truth. Besides, you already know he's a liar -- and liars are not marriage material. Give him back the ring, and congratulate yourself on dodging a disappointing marriage and a divorce in your early 20s. When you tell him the marriage is off, you may find him trying to come closer again, but don't go for that. He has shown you he's only comfortable with you when he's not engaged. Don't settle! You need some fun time as a single person and then a new relationship where you advance things slowly. Getting engaged in six months doesn't allow you time to know a person, once they're not on their best behaviour.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just wanted to thank you for replying to my letter about my relationship with the 17-year age difference, and posting the letter from the lady who married a similarly older man 20 years ago and is very happy. I wanted to let you know that there's no sexual problem. Sexually, we are a perfect match. The biggest hang up in our relationship is that my man is worried people he works with, his family and society in general will think he is a creep for being with someone 17 years younger. -- Still Falling For Him, Winnipeg

Dear Still Falling: Good luck with your relationship, and I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically. When 50 per cent of marital relationships are falling apart in the western world, you should grab onto a wonderful relationship like the one you have and ride it to the end. Maybe it works BECAUSE you are so different in age. You may die before your man does, even though he's older. As for his self-conscious feelings, explain to him that most people really aren't that interested in other peoples' age differences. They're mostly intrigued by the fact a relationship works really well, or it's a spectacular public mess. Show them that your love works and maybe you can offer thoughts to nosy family on why it works without being asked. Let them know he enjoys your youth and vitality, and you enjoy his wisdom and maturity!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I know this doesn't seem possible, but I can hear my new downstairs neighbour's hideously loud snoring, and it's keeping me awake. At first I thought it was someone doing construction in the middle of the night, and then I stuck my head out the window and it wasn't there. Finally it dawned on me it was coming from below and it was SNORING. I marched down there and banged on the door but he didn't wake up -- just kept snoring. I got the super and she came and heard it too, and banged on the door. He didn't answer again. I am losing sleep every night and should not have to buy a headset to drown him out. I do have a second bedroom but it's in my office full of books. It's his problem to solve. -- Going Crazy With fatigue, North End

Dear Going Crazy: Being a realist in this situation, rather than being stubborn, will help you get sleep. For tonight, you buy the earplugs. Write a serious letter ASAP and tell the man he's snoring so loudly you can hear him upstairs and can't sleep. Ask that he seek help from his doctor and a sleep clinic as he may haven sleep apnea (where the snorer stops breathing for intervals), which can kill a person. For immediate relief for you, ask him to switch his bed to his second room which should be underneath your office if you have the same layout. If that doesn't work, get friends over and switch yours. That will get you sleeping again until something bigger works out, like a move to another suite. Go see your building management and look at different apartments for you -- or for him -- within the same block, or another block and start thinking creatively. Stop doing more of what doesn't work.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 30, 2012 D5

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