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Give your boyfriend time to explain porn emails

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've recently "come across" my long-term boyfriend's emails. He gets emails everyday from porn girls -- pictures and messages. It's nothing personal, just emails that get sent to everyone. But why is he getting them? The link brings you to that specific girl of-the-day's link, and the picture link brings me to (an online Winnipeg dating site). I don't get those kinds of emails! Why isn't it in junk even, for me? There's no option to unsubscribe. How would he like it if I had hot guys pics to look at every day? I just can't bring myself to asking him, because he'll know I went through his stuff. I do trust him. I was simply going through his emails because we were selling stuff through Kijiji. Help! -- Why the Porno Emails? Wpg.

Dear Why The Porno: Explain you were selling stuff through Kijiji and saw his porn emails and you want to know why he accepts them every day when he has a real-time sex and love life with you. Tell him it hurts your feelings and makes you feel less treasured. There are ways and means to get unsubscribed without the offending site doing it. Give him time to explain, if he has nothing to say right away. He may need a few days to think about it. If he gives you verbal action about snooping, take the offence. And ask him how he'd feel if you were getting photos of hot guys every day. And what if you had actually sought them out? Snooping is only 10 per cent of the issue; don't accept responsibilty for more than that and a quick "I'm sorry."

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for Emotionally Exhausted, the 21-year-old who feels second-best to her sister. I was the "invisible child." I was also referred to as the "fat one." There were enough kids in our family so I was easily overlooked. Most of my mother's energy was spent on my older sister "the pretty one," trying to make her happy and dealing with her tantrums. Everyone noticed the "pretty one" (compliments galore) not the "'fat one." When my mother sewed clothes for us, the pretty one got the bright, cheerful colours and I got the basic browns. She had first pick, I got what was left. Get the picture? However as we age and mature we see life differently. Putting ourselves into these people's shoes helps us to understand, accept and forgive why people treat us the way they do. Until we learn how to forgive, it will continue to cause us pain. My "pretty" sister was insecure and actually felt she had to compete with me (not sure where this came from). She died hanging onto those feelings. Don't let that happen to you. I am now able to see that she felt I had something that she would never have; she was actually jealous of me. The situation of my child taught me things. When dating I had an emotionally insecure and verbally abusive boyfriend. I set my limit. When he crossed that line, I walked. I also learned to be a better parent from my mother's battles; she did not have her mother to guide her. My children continue to feel equally loved, I would make sure of that. -- With Time Comes Wisdom, Rural Manitoba

Dear Time and Wisdom: The person to be mad at was your mother, because she set things up for your "pretty sister's" siblings to resent her, and she made you feel badly by comparison. Giving you the brown clothes was insulting -- a Cinderalla thing. Note: It wasn't your sister who made that move and she may have been the least-liked by all her brothers and sisters. Doing therapy around how your mother treated you and the rest of the kids would be a good idea and it would be smart to invite the remaining siblings.

Please email problems to lovecoach@hotmail.com or write letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 6, 2012 D4

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