Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Give yourself permission to fake the odd finish

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm at my wits end! I've been lovingly married to a great woman who's had some mental health issues. Though she's been better for years, insecurities can still plague her. Anyway, we were both enjoying ourselves with some vigorous love-making when it became quite clear that, even though the spirit was willing, the body was weak. I had to call for a stop to catch my breath. I felt badly. I'm young enough that "performance issues" are exceedingly rare and was ready to laugh it off and resume once I caught my breath. But, my wife took it as a personal insult. She was making comments about how she "wasn't good enough." When I reminded her that, in spite of my best efforts I can't always bring her to a big O, she shot that down saying "It's different because you're a guy." Her response left me feeling insecure. Now, every time we get a little frisky, I start worrying, and that's not good! How do I talk to her without increasing her feelings of insecurity? -- Damned If I Do or I Don't, Brandon

Dear Do or Don't: Talking doesn't always make things better. North American society has had 30 years of believing they had to talk every last thing out, but something like, "I wonder if the sex between us going to work or not tonight. Will it bother you if it doesn't?" just ensures that it doesn't work. So let me suggest something radical: Ever since caveman days, women have been able to fake it when they really got tired of the scene and knew they weren't going to get to the Big O. Sometimes they just want their man to bring that thing in for a landing. So, they fake it, and nobody's feelings are hurt. If you are getting half way there and then losing it, you might want to give yourself permission to fake a finish when you need to. That will give you the safety net you need to NOT have to fake it, a little ways down the road. Success builds back confidence. But, you have to keep that little trick in your tool bag. No therapy-style confessions. Just enjoy the carefree feeling coming back again, knowing there will be no more scenes over this.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: In reply to Too Much and the bar scene. (That's the young guy who doesn't like extremely short dresses in style now). I'm a 22-year-old girl that doesn't hit the bar often, but when I do I'm not in a "ho-dress with fake eyelashes." So, coming from a "normal girl's" perspective, perhaps you'll understand why I can kind of defend them. Since we were little, girls are exposed to TONS of beauty options. Try and understand that girls need to explore and try to pull off these funky looks before they're 30-ish. As for the dresses, well I personally have a very hard time finding good/elegant clothes in this city's stores. You'll note that the Kardashians pull off NOT looking natural, and they do quite well. It's sad but "let girls be girls" and hopefully you stay OUT of the bar scene when looking for the next girlfriend. One suggestion: If your girlfriend is wearing something that you don't want your family to see her in, next time help her pick something out BEFORE she gets dressed, and add a compliment. Example:"What about this beige dress? I think you look great when you wear it with these shoes." The first time my boyfriend said it to me before an event, I listened because it made him happy and because I knew he really liked the outfit. -- Normal Girl, Wpg.

Dear Normal: Thanks for writing in to try to explain the point of view from the young women this fellow was criticizing. Because fashion trends swing from one extreme to another, the '70s micro-mini skirt crowd found the market inundated with maxis a few years later. It was a manipulation by the fashion industry to get everybody buying new wardrobes -- nothing ethical about it. Long skirts will be on the way back in the next year or two; you can bet on it.

 

Please email problems for Miss Lonelyhearts to lovecoach@hotmail.com or send letters to 1355 Mountain Ave. R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition August 16, 2012 D4

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Updated on Thursday, August 16, 2012 at 3:01 PM CDT: Corrects typos

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