DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I met and soon moved in with a man I met at the The (Fetish) Ball. He's turned out to be disappointingly conservative in his expectations of me as a girlfriend. Aside from his own fetish for tying people up, he wants everything tied up neatly with a bow, like I should be totally his, with no freedom to experiment with other people. I found this out because I "strayed" and now he is all on the ceiling, like this was done to hurt him. I just came home and told him about it as an interesting experiment I did that afternoon, that might turn him on, and he totally freaked out. "How could you do THAT with any other person?" he yelled, loud enough for the neighbours to hear. "What's the big deal?" I yelled back and then he said, "But I love you!" I think a lot of him, but I'm certainly not "in love" and don't want him to own my sex life. -- No Possession! Osborne Village
Dear No Possession: If you don't love the man, why are you already living with him? A home with a lover is supposed to be a safe place for two people, not a place where someone can get ambushed. This guy cares deeply for you, living with you, and took it for granted you were exclusive to each other. You, on the other hand, took it for granted he wouldn't want to be monogamous because he was "kinky." This hasty living-together arrangement is more of a physical thing for you, but he has deep feelings for you. Having a fetish doesn't mean you want to share your partner, so both parties have to discuss these parameters. Since you want to be free, move out and be truly free, leaving this man room to find someone who wants to be experimental but monogamous.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My ex was uptight and religious and holier-than-thou, my new wife is a Wiccan and a lazy slob. I used to live in my first wife's clean house that smelled nice and fresh, with laundry going and delicious food on the stove. My new wife calls from her cellphone every day to ask, "What do you want me to pick up?" and then she goes and buys us takeout and fast food. We are both getting fat and unhealthy. She is also great in bed and generous with her love towards me, but we live in a pigpen. I don't want to leave her, but I'm finding out life isn't all about sex and takeout. Help! -- Stumbling Through Pizza Boxes
Dear Stumbling: You say you now enjoy generous love from your wife and a great sex life. It appears there's been a tradeoff for this. Now you have to start getting involved in the work around the house. Ex-wife Mommy has departed and Forever Girlfriend has arrived. The bad news? It's time for a different role and it involves cooking and cleaning and paying half the takeouts. In each of your marriages, it seems the woman has determined how the house is kept and what you get to eat. If you take over your 50 per cent, the house will be at least 50 per cent clean and you two will have healthy food three or four times a week and takeout she buys for the rest. Get a cleaning service in for a big spring cleaning and have them come back as often as the two of you can afford. And face facts. Things will get better, but never neat-freak perfect. Hot Hint: Don't ever compare your two wives out loud, or is too late for that warning?
Questions or comments? Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6