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Honour late hubby privately to spare new mate

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I get depressed regularly in July because that's the anniversary month of my husband's heart attack and death. This is very hard on my new husband of two years. I don't know how to prevent it from happening because my first husband meant so much to me. After this happened again in July, he went disturbingly quiet and we finally had a big fight over it this week.

My new husband bitterly said I do it "to honour someone who isn't even aware of my mourning." Maybe he has a point. I know it's hard on my new marriage. But what else can I do with these feelings? What do you think? -- Trouble With New Husband, Winnipeg

Dear Trouble: Whether your former husband "knows" or not, I can't comment, but that's not the point. You're inadvertently hurting your second husband for a whole month every year. How about you honour your former husband privately this year, with a ceremony you plan to do in the first days of that month, like flowers and a private graveside chat. Many many people do this and it helps.

As for the month of depression, you may not be totally in control of that, but honouring your ex will help with the feelings of loss and the desire to remember him at the beginning of that critical month for you. Quietly see a psychologist or a grief counsellor on your own now and again in June, so you're better fortified against depression next July.


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is shy and had never seen any other male bodies before she saw mine, so was under the illusion that I was big for my size. Nothing could be further from the truth. Last week she went to a stagette and they showed a female soft porn movie on the wall in the background and she came home knowing the truth. I had only told her I was average, but she didn't believe it until she saw the star of the show. Now I feel quite inadequate. Please help. -- Can't Compete, Winnipeg

Dear Can't Compete: The guy onscreen would be digitally enhanced. You might let her know that and then relax. She may already know that from the girl talk. She probably wouldn't have told you if she thought you'd take it seriously and be hurt by it.


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a musician and songwriter, and my most creative time for writing music -- accompanied by guitar and/or piano -- is the wee hours of the morning. My next-door neighbour at my apartment says she is fed up with my music ruining her sleep. She says she's OK with my playing a whole song through, but not when I continually stop as I compose. I can't quit writing because of her complaints, but she says she's going to complain to the property management company soon. -- Noisy After Midnight, Winnipeg

Dear Noisy: Move your composing room, switching it to a different place far away from her bedroom wall. Use rugs and hangings and sound-proofing material to make a music room that won't bother anyone. Then stop-and-start to create new songs all night long. Maybe you could dedicate one to her. P.S. The Sound of Silence has already been done. Until you get your room ready, can you use earphones?


Please send your questions or comments c/o or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition September 2, 2014 C4

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