Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

If you really love your wife, why not try counselling?

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I've had a sex-buddy relationship for eight of the 15 years I've been married. She lives in Winnipeg and my wife and I live in the country. I have to come to Winnipeg once a month "on business." I always thought my wife didn't know, but I was mistaken. Her sister and I had a fight a week ago, and she said, "You think my sister doesn't know about that woman in the city? Think again, Bozo!" Now I don't know what to do. I haven't noticed a change with my wife, but I'm thinking her sister might have told her about the fight. My wife says she finds sex "disgusting and annoying" and quit touching me, even affectionately, when she got the job of procreating done. I stayed for the kids, and because my wife is a great mother and I love her as a friend. Four years of no sex later, I found a woman in the city who wanted me for fun and sex once in awhile. I welcomed it. But now, I'm afraid my family is going to fall apart if my wife and I end the pretense of my business trips. Should I talk to my wife about her, or try to maintain the code of silence? -- Going Crazy, Rural Manitoba

Dear Going Crazy: Let your wife bring it up, if she wishes to. Your sex buddy would not be news to her, and she poses no threat to your wife's health since you and your wife never have sex. Over the years, your wife may have been able to pass off your dalliance as "just sex," and will want it to continue. Any details about the other woman -- what she looks like, her personality -- would be hurtful. It could break up your home and the kids are still young enough to be there. Who would really benefit by your telling? The sister. No doubt she has listened to her sister's secret. You can't blame her for not liking you. If your wife brings it up, you might say: "I don't want to break up our marriage, I love you and the kids and our life here, but I can't live without sex for the rest of my life. Do you want to go for counselling to try to reinstate sex in our relationship?" Why ask for that? Because that is your bottom line for not seeing someone else.

Dear Miss Lonelyheart: My mother-in-law has a big yap. She says she's coming up for the month of August to see my wife, her only child. She lives in a big city in the United States. I can take "Mom" for maybe a week, but that's it. My wife is fighting for dominance with her mother after three days. Letting her come would be three to four weeks of hell and I will tell the old lady off if she makes my wife cry another time. What should we do? -- Married Two Years, Elmwood

Dear Married: Telling Mom she can't come for a month is too hard for a daughter to do, so you phone your mother-in-law and tell her this: You and her darling daughter are newlyweds and still "quite romantic" and only want visitors for a week at a time. If she says that's too short to make the visit worthwhile, suggest you come to their city for a visit in the fall and book a hotel with a swimming pool so you can have visits and party back and forth. Momma will see she has bumped up against a new buffer zone -- a jovial but firm and straight-talking husband. Don't put your wife on the phone, if Mom demands it. Say she's gone out, and has asked you to call and work things out.

Please email your problems for Miss Lonelyhearts to lovecoach@hotmail.com or send letters to 1355 Mountain Ave. R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition July 3, 2012 D4

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