DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: OK, I have a lot of faults, but I don't really cheat. My wife thinks she's owed some leeway in the "other man" department because I'm a workaholic and never home. Sometimes my work takes me away for two weeks at a time. I'm almost always true to her, quite able to live on phone sex and long talks with her and be happy. She insists she deserves "face time" with me, a real home, and babies. I have very important work to do. I also make a lot of money, which she enjoys. She accuses me of cheating when I'm away and yet I have hardly ever slipped, and never while in Canada. I kind of suspected she was projecting her guilt onto me and sure enough, I had a private detective follow her and found out her "gay" companion is actually a sex buddy. She says I owe her forgiveness for that, because I'm not a "real" husband to her, as promised, and she's not "in love" with me anymore. I say she owes me a divorce for this, although I still love her. -- Furious, Winnipeg
Dear Furious: Your wife wants a husband and lover, and a family. You want an international career and a wife who doesn't mind your being away -- and doesn't cheat any more than you do, preferably not at all. What you really want is a convenient relationship of the long-distance variety. You say you love her, but you really love your job and jetsetting lifestyle more. She may love you too, but she wants the opposite lifestyle, so it's time you two went your separate ways, without being mean and vindictive. Enjoy your work and your lifestyle to the hilt, and let her go have her babies while she still can. And, don't fight her over fair settlement money because you're mad it didn't work out. You're more responsible for that happening than she is. And by the way, "slipping" once in a while outside the country, is cheating too.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I know another side of what Uptight Troll may be living with, as I have lived with crazy-making cat behaviour in my neighbourhood, stopped only with hefty fines levied on the owner by city law enforcement. Pet owners can have a "my little Johnny would never do that" attitude. They think their pets are so cute (that) everyone would love to love them and all their behaviours. Cats are to be on a leash... period, end of story. Cats in a garden are not only unpleasant and destructive, but a health hazard where food is grown. This cat owner obviously has had experience coaxing the cat. That alone would suggest more than a few sneaks past ankles and you have just fallen into the trap of a one-sided cruel judgment. This cat owner needs to ensure responsibility in pet ownership before judgment of the troll next door. -- Troll Supporter, Winnipeg
Dear Troll Supporter: Cats don't march well on leashes and dog/cat surprise meetings on the public sidewalks often go badly. Granted, the anti-cat people won this battle some time ago. But, it's too bad cat-hating neighbours have to get their tails in such a knot over a small cat arriving in their yard once in a while. Some cat haters live in greater enmity with the people next door than dogs and cats do when they live under the same roof.
Questions or comments? Please email firstname.lastname@example.org or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6