Is husband's behaviour just an excuse for your outside sex?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: OK, I'm 37, at the peak of my sexual life, and I need more than one partner. My husband does his best to satisfy me, but he's a three times a week man-- Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays at 10 p.m. -- like clockwork. It makes me laugh. I want sex morning and night, seven days a week. Little does he know I have a fill-in lover (who's in his 40s) and he's very unpredictable and we meet in all kinds of places to have sex. I don't want to divorce my husband. He makes a lot of money and he fits me like a comfortable old shoe; we are very compatible in many ways and we have teenage kids. But, the sex I have to get elsewhere, and I deserve it. I don't feel guilty. Why is that? - Remorseless Former Catholic, St. Boniface

Dear Catholic: It doesn't bother you, except it bugs you enough to write? You're angry underneath. Anger covers up all kinds of hurtful emotions and is easier to deal with than sadness and disappointment. Your husband is not filling the bill, and he's not going to, unless you force change on him. He's content -- or else he has someone else, too! What happens when you try to entice him into the shower, or take him out in the country under the stars? Does he actually pooh-pooh spontaneous sexual behaviour, or has he just fallen into a comfy routine? You could break him of this habit if you refused to have sex with him at his usual times for a week and then offered him a replacement session that required him to follow you. It's worth trying. He might love it! Or, is his ho-hum behaviour just an excuse for you to justify having this other lover? Would you really be willing to give him up if your husband became a better partner for you?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work as a nurse all week and my husband works 40 hours at a day job. Then he works at a bar Friday and Saturday nights at his choice. We have two incomes and don't need the money. I want to be a faithful wife, but he is never around on a Friday or Saturday night to spend time with me socially. I must go everywhere alone at night and people talk. They think we lead separate lives and our marriage is a big nothing. I was at a neighbourhood barbecue this weekend in the evening and I overheard two women talking about me in the hallway. One said "She's always by herself. I hope she isn't coming to hit on one of our husbands." I came round the corner and said, "I wouldn't want either of your boring husbands, although I feel sorry for them!" Then, I ran home and cried. Now I don't even have a social life with my neighbours. It hurts me deeply that he'd rather earn $100 a night in tips plus $50 wages, and chat with all kinds of women at the bar, than be with me having fun. I'm only 29. P.S. We don't have kids and don't plan to have any because I already brought up my younger siblings. -- Married For What? Winnipeg

Dear Married For What: Find out why he really goes out all weekend. Show up incognito at his bar job at a busy time of the night, with a girlfriend, and watch him from the other side of the room for awhile, before you say hello. How is he behaving? Is the job a flirting vehicle or is he simply working? If he's not working for the need of money, then why is he exiting your relationship every weekend night? Perhaps he can maintain fantasy that he's single part of the week. You don't have kids with this man so there is no family. Can that be a sore point with him? Important question: If you were not married, would you still be with this man or would you have dumped him by now? Let him know you are at a crisis point and see if it means anything to him -- or is he relieved? As a nurse, you could move almost anywhere and have a career, an adventure and a new love. Lift up your chin, find out what's up with you marriage, and make some decisions about getting help, or dissolving it. You have one life. Don't waste any of it, or let anyone else waste it for you.

Please email problems to lovecoach@hotmail.com or write letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 10, 2012 A10