DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My girlfriend and I like to bitch slap each other and call each other names when we're having sex. I told my best friend and she said we are both "sick people." Really? We just like the sting at the height of excitement. Is it so wrong? Lots of other people do crazier things to enhance orgasm. We're just giving each other little smacks on the cheeks and saying naughty names. — Two Wild 'n' Crazy Women, Wolseley
Dear Crazy Girls: If you are enjoying a little open-handed face smacking and name calling, and neither one of you is alarmed, so be it. Whatever you both consent to in the bedroom is, by and large, your business, but by telling a friend, you were asking for her approval. Surprise. You didn't get it and now you're miffed and a little embarrassed. You probably didn't win this person's silence either. That's a juicy little story to tell one other friend who tells two other friends. You know how it goes. From now on, enjoy your sex life any way you want as long as you both agree, but keep your sex secrets to yourselves.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I got the apartment into such a mess I decided we would take a whole weekend day and "spring clean" in the fall. I assigned him the kitchen and I took the living room, which included going down the backs of our new (three month old) chairs and sofa to dig out coins and junk. And what do I find, but two new condom packages! We don't need or use condoms and these have best-before dates that don't correspond to old relationships. I was so choked I sat down on the floor in a heap and cried silent tears.
I am a new career woman. I work evenings at a hospital and he works days at a bar, which gives him plenty of opportunity to see someone else at our place. I trusted him completely, although lately he has been complaining bitterly about my shift and our lack of sex life. We are like ships who pass in the night. I thought our love would carry us through until I was high enough on the totem pole to demand day shifts. Should I tell him what I saw? If I do, my home will collapse and I will lose the only guy I have ever loved. — Turn a Blind Eye? St. Vital
Dear Blind Eye: It's too late to pretend. You saw what you saw. At least ask your boyfriend about the condoms and what's going on, and then watch his face closely as he responds. Do not be thinking about your next attack phrase: pay attention to the spaces between your questions, and his words. Does he need five seconds to think of an answer to a simple question? Does he say the old line, "Trust me. You have nothing to worry about?" which usually means the exact opposite. Does he scratch his nose? (A common reaction to the stress of lying.) He may tell you he lends the place to a buddy to have sex with a girlfriend and it may be true, but more likely, it is what it appears to be.
You know he's angry about your sex life. This is the breaking point. If you want to forgive him and keep him, reserve days off for lots of face time and sex and arrange to meet during the week and give up an hour of sleep here and there. (That's probably what you would have done when you first met.) But, if you find you can't stand the sight of him after the shock wears off, you will soon punt him. Whatever you do, don't give up your new career for a cheater.
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