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Kinky footwear gets him booted

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife came home with sleazy bedroom boots -- you know, those tall lace-up things that generally go with instruments of torture. She took them out of the box and I told her to take them back immediately. I'm not getting into sick games. Now she won't talk to me, let alone sleep with me. She said, "You told me things had gotten boring in the bedroom and at least I was trying to rekindle our sex life!" She has a point there: it needs help, but I'm no sicko. What should I do next to get back some normal sex? -- Normal Guy, Transcona

Dear Normal: The really normal thing about this situation is that your wife feels angry and humiliated and doesn't want to touch you. Things had gotten boring sexually, which generally meant the relationship itself was not as strong and resilient as it had been in the beginning. She tried to do something about it and you shot her down. You didn't even give her a chance to say or do anything with the boots. You leapt to the conclusion she was going to torture you with weapons you hadn't even seen. Some people just like to play with costuming and footwear.

Start with a big apology for the nasty things you said. Admit you were scared she was going to hurt you and that you should have been open-minded and talked it over. Then ask her what things she would actually like to do. If she is interested in making up, great, but don't forget she probably doesn't want the boring old sex life back you call normal. You'd best come up with some creative ideas yourself and ask her about how she feels about them when you have the big talk.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm deeply sorry for hurting my wife by telling her I was going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings when I was not. I didn't go to the bar instead, but I did hide out at my golf course, which I have never allowed her to join. I told her it was 90 per cent men and she wouldn't like it. I drink there, but I drink vodka and eat dinner and disguise it. Here's the whole truth: I am an alcoholic and a professional. I know I shouldn't be drinking and doing important things with people's lives, but I can't help it at this point.

Both my parents were happy drinkers and never quit. I never get mean or angry or disgusting, either. That's what I always thought until my wife caught me in this recent "disgusting" series of lies. She asked me to get out and leave the house to her. She has dogs and a garden that mean a lot to her and I could care less about the house. In a space of a month I found an apartment right away.

Last night, before signing the lease, I begged her to forgive me. She said she did, but she had zero trust left, and said, "I can't live with someone who lies whenever he moves his lips." What can I do? I love the warden (my nickname for her because she watches me like a hawk) but she says I'm totally finished. -- Unwilling Divorce Statistic, Tuxedo

Dear Statistic: If you want your wife back, you'll have to come to terms with loving the feeling of drinking and the idea you're carrying on a happy family tradition. That's the root of your problem. You may need rehab first and a program like AA second.

There is no other way to win back this woman you say you love, but still refer to as the warden. That's not a funny or affectionate name. You have set her up as an authority figure you resent. Instead of an equal love relationship, she has become the mother to your bad boy. That is not fun and not sexy in the least. She's tired of the role she finds herself in, and who can blame her when she might be able to find a great guy who doesn't have a drinking problem?

As for your being professional and having influence over other people's lives, that in itself is reason to quit drinking. Your profession may have its own program for members in trouble with alcohol, and you should check into that. As a start to everything, call the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba (204-944-6200) for a private assessment and find out how far down the trail you have gone. If you don't want to do that, consider seeing a psychologist to talk about why you continue to drink when you are losing your wife and putting your career in jeopardy. Are you endangering people by being stewed when you're working, or hungover and not paying attention to what you say or do? You probably think not, but that's not the way it is.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 2, 2014 D4

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