DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Here comes Halloween again and my kinky husband -- who always throws a costume party for us, or finds one to go to -- is already bringing home hero costumes. He gets dressed up, struts around the house, and says, "What do you think of this for the party?" It is clearly visible what he thinks of the costume, because it turns him on. I wish there were a rooftop he could fly to on his batwings for the month of October. I am not interested in playing the helpless maiden to his superhero for the next four weeks. What's his problem? He's already a firefighter, for God's sake! -- Need To Escape Myself, Winnipeg
Dear Need to Escape: Do you have a fantasy? Maybe you could give a little -- not that you have to be Lois Lane to his Superman, but you could bring in a fantasy character you like, and he could play into it. The opportunity with a guy like yours is all your fantasies can come true -- unless you can't stand him sexually anymore.
It's amazing how many women are fed up with their husband's interest in sex, and yet sex is the bio-glue of good, long-lasting relationships. If he wants a fantasy-filled relationship, at least take a stab at teaching him what would please you.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm single. I rent a parking space from a gorgeous man who lives next door and pay him my stall rent every month. The truth is I'm hot for him and it's my monthly chance to see him and flirt with him and hang around as long as I can. Yesterday morning, he asked me for postdated cheques. I lied and said I didn't have enough. That afternoon, I was raking some leaves about the time he comes home from work, and talking with another neighbour. She told me the guy is gay and the man he's often with is his lover of two years. Now I am so embarrassed. He's not flamboyant, but my "gaydar" usually works anyway. What happened? I can't believe I was so stupid. No wonder he wanted the cheques to get rid of me. -- Gobsmacked, West End
Dear Gobsmacked: A small percentage of gay men are flamboyant and another group are a little bit effeminate, but a very large group -- it's hard to know the numbers -- don't appear or speak any differently than heterosexual guys. Since this man is "gorgeous" and single, you can bet you aren't the only woman who flirts with him, so take your little pack of cheques over, say you found some for him and give him the postdated months he wants. Don't hang around. That ship has sailed.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: How can you tell someone who has a bad body odour that they have a problem? -- Desperately Need to Know
Dear Need To Know: The no-nos come first. Don't leave deodorant anonymously or write a note with no signature, as that is the coward's way out and very hurtful. The "victim" looks at everyone wondering who did it or wonders if a group got together. Instead, sit the person down privately and say: "I'm sure you have no idea, but your deodorant has stopped working and you need to try something else." The person might say, "Well, I shower every day. Isn't that enough?" Then you answer: "Showers don't last and the nose of a person who has daily body odour can't pick it up anymore. I care about you, and that's why I am telling you, as the odour is strong for me and people around you. You need to buy something that really works, so maybe ask a pharmacist for a good suggestion."
Please send your questions or comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6