Winnipeg Free Press - PRINT EDITION

Mail a letter to clear air with fickle summer love

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm bleeding directly from the heart. I was in love with a girlfriend for the whole summer, but when she went home from our summer job at the same place, she disappeared. You should know I'm also female. "It was a wonderful secret adventure. You are so special and I just love you," she said, as she kissed me goodbye in the woods. That "secret" word sounded suspicious to me, and it was. When I got home she had blocked me from her electronics completely.

I have a lot of friends on Facebook. I found someone who actually lives in her small town.

Guess what? She has a longterm boyfriend back there. I was her little summer experiment. My heart is breaking. She has blocked me so she doesn't have to deal with my pain. What can I do? -- Hurt So Bad, Winnipeg

Dear Hurt So Bad: This girlfriend outright lied to you -- and she used you for a fling for her own selfish reasons. It's tough to spend a summer thinking you have a "special" relationship with someone who gushes she "just loves you" and then doesn't want to know you the minute she casts off from the dock. What does "special" or "in love" mean to a person who swims in the shallow end of the pool? She was probably play-acting and enjoying the romance and, in her case, the cloak-and-dagger aspect of being with another woman. So, how do you deal with the hurt, when she's cut off all communication?

Find out her home address or write her at that town c/o General Delivery. It is so unusual to get a real letter on paper today in a person's handwriting, she will probably open it. Inside, tell her how you feel about the cold and cruel way she ended things; get it off your chest and onto hers, where it belongs. What you lose in dignity by writing the letter, you gain in freedom. P.S. Even if you don't post it, you'll feel better, getting it out on paper.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years. For the first 2 1/2 years, we lived together. Early this year I asked him to move out because I felt like we were becoming too much like an old married couple, always nagging each other, feeling like people we weren't.

Just after he had found a new place to live, I found out that in the beginning of our relationship, he had slept with one of my best friends. I have forgiven him for not telling me after all this time, but it's been hard to forget. Now, this past year, a physical relationship has been difficult. He still feels so passionate towards me. Although I'm still very attracted to him, sex has become an issue of anxiety and discomfort. We have tried taking things slow again and taking time to make sure the other is comfortable, but it isn't working.

He has come to the conclusion that we can either have sex often or not have sex at all any more. I would prefer the latter, as I feel at this time in my life, I can do without it, but I know this isn't an answer to our problems. He is a highly sexual person and I would hate for him to change that for me and possibly resent me in the future. I feel hesitant on going to get couples counselling, but we don't want to break up over this. What do you recommend we do? -- Forgiven But Not Forgotten

Dear Not Forgotten: Sex with your best friend? It doesn't get much lower than that. You say you don't even want sex with him any more, given an all-or-nothing choice, so you have really arrived at "friendship" and are afraid of admitting it to yourself. He has more desire for you than this, but can't be trusted.

Resentment is one of the biggest killers of sex and romance. You didn't hurt him, so his sex drive is fine and healthy. If you'd had sex with HIS best friend, he probably wouldn't have stuck around for more sex with you. So why do you stay? You don't want couples counselling and you don't want to live with him any more. This relationship seems to be ruined by the cheating.

Unless you go to counselling, get it all out on the table again and see what can be done, you stay in limbo, and that suits you. But it's going nowhere! How about letting him go and finding yourself a new love in a trusting situation?

Please send your questions or comments c/o lovecoach@hotmail.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg R2X 3B6.

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition September 3, 2014 C4

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