DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife cheated on me years ago. It took work, but I forgave her 100 per cent, until recently when I learned it was not just "some guy." She slept with my best friend at the time.
He and I are no longer close, as he and his wife moved away. But this knowledge has destroyed me. Both of them lied to me for years. I confided in him, to help me get through it. Now I feel like I was a joke to them.
I want to move on and forgive my wife again, as she says she lied to help me. This is true, as the truth could have wrecked my friendship, marriage and career at the time. But can you really forgive years of lies? Years of trips, and hanging out with the man who slept with my wife? I love her and want to move past this. -- Head Spinning
Dear Spinning: She says she lied to help you? Puh-lease. She lied to help herself, and the guy who called himself your best friend. Hopefully, both were nervous about being found out and felt enormous guilt, but don't bet on it. And how often did it really happen?
This best friend of yours had some nerve listening to you and "helping" you get through the betrayal he helped to cause. But equal or greater blame goes to your wife, who chose to have sex with her husband's best friend. Now she feeds you this ridiculous notion she was protecting you. Are you planning to swallow that?
She has played you for a chump before and is prepared to do it again. At least tell her you don't accept that nonsense as a reason to forgive her again. If you do forgive her a second time, it is because you have chosen to stay with her, not because she saved your friendship, marriage and career!
Because this is such a mind-bender for you, insist on relationship counselling to see if you can work this out as a couple, or not. Make that woman sweat and work to keep you. You need to become an equal partner, not your wife's patsy.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I forgot people could send letters in the mail, so when I checked my husband's electronic devices for traces of a suspected "other woman," I found nothing. I'd forgotten to check the snail mail. He gets the mail every day from the box when I'm off at work.
Recently he went on a suspicious "fishing" holiday for a week, and I went in his garage to snoop. I found a box of a woman's disgusting love letters, hidden under his desk drawers, all dated this spring. I can't stop reading them. I am in hell. Please help me. -- Sideswiped by Love Letters
Dear Sideswiped: Today, stop reading the letters and torturing yourself. Put the box of love letters between you and you husband at the dining table and ask him to come talk to you "about something important." Not on the couch, where he isn't looking directly at you.
Keep one in your hand to read, in case he grabs the box. It's time for a big discussion, and an emergency trip to a marriage counsellor who will help bring out the facts of this dalliance. Have one set up ahead of time.
Your husband may be amenable to going or he may simply want to break off your relationship to be with this fishy woman, so quietly sneak off to see a lawyer he doesn't know, before he does. Make the appointment today.
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