DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: This is so embarrassing for me! I accidently emailed a letter meant for my best girlfriend about hot feelings for my new guy, to him instead. I described a fantasy I had about him. He wrote back with only two words: "Very interesting." His next email to me was a few hours later: "What are you doing next weekend?" This was strange because that was in the middle of a weekend and that meant he wouldn't be seeing me for eight days. Why so long? Why wouldn't he want to see me right away and experience the fantasy? -- Not a Schemer, Westwood
Dear Schemer: You gave yourself away, six different ways. I have listened to some manipulative women in my career as a columnist and counsellor, but you take the cake. You feign innocence to me and to him, when I'll bet the truth of the matter is you wrote your girlfriend's name on the body of the letter and mailed the fantasy off to him on purpose. He knows what you're up to, and he wants time and distance to think about you without giving up the sex fantasy altogether.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend and I were making snow angels the other night when he rolled me over on my back, kissed me hard in the snow and said, "I had sex with a man once." Then he rolled away and looked at the sky. I didn't answer because I couldn't get any words out. We haven't talked about it since, but he seems distant. What's going on? -- Bad Girlfriend, North End
Dear Bad Girlfriend: He's waiting for the axe to fall. You need to talk to him now! The poor guy made a confession and you went silent, indicating to him shock and disapproval. He needs you to communicate as he's probably upset and worried. Maybe he was molested, maybe it was an experiment or maybe he wonders about his sexual preference. Whatever the case, all you have to say to start the discussion is: "About what you told me the other night: I'm sorry I couldn't say anything until now. How did that sexual experience come about?"
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I did a lot of shoplifting in Toronto in my youth and was an expert at boosting blouses and anything made of fabric. I quit when I got an education and some decent pay, but missed the high I experienced on leaving a store with free goods. Now that it's all been over for years, a friend with a business who knows my story asked me if I'd like to work catching shoplifters. I found myself strangely drawn to the idea. Do you think it's safe for me? -- Former Shoplifter, Winnipeg
Dear Former Shoplifter: Don't do it. That would be just like going back to a drug. You admit you used to get a high from boosting clothes and the last thing you need is another taste of that. Tell your friend you don't want to know anything about this and you are surprised she would ask you back into that world, in any capacity. That's not the offer of a thoughtful friend.
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