Might be time to close your open marriage

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm a married woman, though not 100 per cent. Sometimes I need to let loose and so does my husband. We both have a high need for novelty so we allow each other little vacations from our marriage. He was away for work and I had a night to myself recently, so I went downtown at happy hour that night. I met a man from Vancouver who was here for a conference. He had drinks and took me up to his hotel room, so we could be more private, and we had a wonderful evening doing what adults do. I always go home at midnight, just like Cinderella, but he didn't want me to go for some reason. Finally, he said, "Don't you remember me?" and I had to say no. It turned out he went to high school with me but was two years younger, and I never looked at younger boys. He said he'd had a big crush on me which was good for my ego. We started talking about high school and talked for hours. I fell asleep in his arms and stayed all night. In the morning there were 23 calls from my husband! Now he says I have betrayed him and "the deal" we had is off. I need to see this other man again, but I love my husband. What now? -- In Big Trouble, River Heights

Dear Trouble: To your husband there's a big difference between having drinks/casual sex, and having a date. Dates can be emotional and warrant a whole night of sleeping together in each other's arms. You say you "need' to see this other man again. This is the problem with open marriages. Sooner or later one of the pair finds someone who isn't just a sexual fling. When this fellow revealed your common history and that he'd once had big feelings for you, the six- or seven-hour sexual tryst escalated to a night in this guy's arms. Now the open marriage deal is off with your husband. Does that mean he's cutting himself off, too, or is this new rule just for you? If you love your husband, both of you need to clarify and re-negotiate what's going on. As for a second night with this fellow, you can't have him, plus your marriage. According to your style of relationship, that would be emotional cheating. Your husband called 23 times during the night because he was very upset. The Cinderella clause was in place to save both of you from the anxiety of waiting out an overnight tryst which may be romantic.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Down at the lake we have community of young families and kids who like to go to the beach together, play volleyball, have barbecues and picnics. This older couple has come into the group who have much more money than the rest of us. We are all doing OK, but dinners are potluck and we drink beer, not expensive wines. This new couple is a lot of fun, and we were all curious to go when they invited us over. Instead of our usual potluck, they said "Let us treat all of you." They had tons of appetizers, real china plates, flowers, steaks and lobster for everyone, expensive liquor. It was a great night -- but none of us can reciprocate, and some of us went home feeling like the rich folks were giving us poor folks a treat. Don't get me wrong; they're very nice people. How do we invite them back now for hot dogs and hamburgers where everybody brings their own? -- Awkward Feeling, Elmwood

Dear Awkward: Don't punish these people for laying on the fancy dinner. But, don't change your ways, either. They don't expect you to. They invited you to a party at their place -- a different fun thing which they probably enjoy as much as you do. The party was not a criticism. They know you young parents can't afford that, because you have young kids and everybody is making-do. They may have been in that situation themselves when their kids were young. Invite them over exactly as you do every other time for a potluck with hotdogs and hamburgers or their own choice of meat. They didn't mean any harm by inviting the gang and were trying to give everyone a great time, so just enjoy it and don't let it get to your ego.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 23, 2012 G6