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Why do you want unavailable men?

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm 45 and met this man on a dating site three years ago. He's from Edmonton but left Canada for a contract. He has his own company, handed down from his deceased parents. When we first got together, he didn't say anything about leaving for this so-called contract and I haven't heard from him for days. Then he comes online and explains where he is, so I keep up the relationship with him. Now it's been three years and he's still there and going through personal stuff. He keeps promising me the world and that he loves me and to please stay with him. Now I've met this other man online, but he lives in the States and also just left to Africa on a month's contract. The new guy already sent me flowers with a teddy bear and chocolates before he left. We're keeping in touch as well, so I'm confused. I'm not getting any younger. I just want to be with someone because I haven't had a relationship for six years now and I miss it. Please help me. What do you suggest? -- Torn By Two Men, Winnipeg.

 

Dear Torn: Make an appointment with a relationship counsellor to try to figure out why you deliberately court men who are unavailable because of distance. There are thousands of guys in online personals from Winnipeg, yet you create your profile settings to welcome people from all over the place. The first guy should have gotten the boot two years ago at least and this second guy should not even be in the running.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm so angry at my professor (that) I told him off. That means I'm in big trouble at school as I am a grad student and you have to get along with all these profs who decide your fate. I need to change profs, but he offers (academically) exactly what I need. Yet he is unkind and unhelpful and drags his feet. I don't want to change my course of learning because of one man. If I go above him it's only going to get worse. I don't want to go and apologize because it would be a lie. What should I do? -- In Hot Water, Winnipeg.

 

Dear Hot Water: Sometimes going over the professor's head is the only thing you can do, but it can be hellish afterwards. Your professor will be angrier still and then it's a battle of egos. If you are at the beginning of graduate study, change the direction somewhat, and find a new professor to replace this one. If you are close to the end, then you really have to go and see your professor, and try to make peace without grovelling. Apologize for blowing up, because it is never good to yell. Blame it on stress outside of school. If possible, try to "agree to disagree" or try to reach a middle ground. Read up on negotiating techniques and how to deal with difficult people in the workplace and you may learn the skills you need to handle this prof. To protect yourself, double copy all the work you do and emails you send from now on, and cc to committee members. Don't let this professor fail you privately out of spite.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition June 25, 2012 D5

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