DEAR READERS: Sexting -- having verbal sex by text -- is causing a lot of trouble in serious relationships. People who are enjoying the additional thrills of having typed text sex argue it's not real sex and shouldn't count as cheating. Below are two of many letters on this topic, and my advice:
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I have been together for eight years. It's been a struggle. We tried an open relationship to spice things up. It worked for a while, but I felt he was getting too close to these women, and when we were on dates, he'd be texting them to set up a meeting!
I'm a jealous lady to begin with and this was the tipping point, so I called an end to the open relationship. He didn't take that lightly and ever since he has been struggling with the urge to "have more than just me." He still talks to a woman from the open relationship. In the past I've caught him sexting with her, and I asked him to stop. To my surprise I find out last week he was sexting her again. His reason? "I wanted to do it." I asked him to end it, and since then he's been very distant and almost angry. Don't I have a right to be upset regarding his breach of trust with the sexting? -- Feeling Unwanted, Winnipeg
Dear Feeling Unwanted: Sexting was the gateway to all kinds of opportunities to meet, greet and have sex with other women, and sexting leads to wanting the whole enchilada. The biggest issue now is not trust, it's the fact your husband is openly disrespectful and daring you to leave with his rude uncaring words and sexual action outside the marriage.
You admit your lacklustre marriage was in trouble when you tried the open marriage experiment. Open marriage only works if the couple is tightly bonded, but not jealous sexually. When you tried to shut the open marriage down he went underground. You can bet he was still sexting. You've caught him several times now. What does it take to make you accept this relationship is broken? It's time to see a lawyer. Your husband is not invested in the relationship anymore. His offhand reply, "I wanted to do it," says it all. It was a challenge to leave. It's only a matter of time, so get yourself prepared and then initiate it.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm stressed beyond belief and my head is still spinning -- I've just discovered that my husband and his female friend have been texting and sexting. I had my suspicions as his phone was attached to him for months. The female friend states her fantasies to my husband and also says she's married to the wrong man. I also found out my husband has been "hanging out" with a former girlfriend and has taken her to a movie and meal. He went on to tell her he still loved her and still had a sex tape of the two of them. He also invited her to meet him when he goes out of town next week. "No strings attached just walk around naked for me." I confronted him about it all and he said it was nothing and that I shouldn't spy on him!
He said his female friend has a crush on him and that nothing would happen I phoned her and told her to stop or I'd inform her husband. Should I let her husband know exactly what was said? What is it with people? Don't they take marriage seriously? Do they think they won't get caught? What's my next step? Do I leave our house or should I ask the sneak to leave? -- Absolutely Devastated, Winnipeg
Dear Devastated: Why not phone the husband? He deserves to know what is going on under his nose. Ask your sneaky husband to leave, or better still, sell the House of Bad Memories and split the money. This guy is busy sexting sexual moves and conversation. He's used sexting to invest in his new single life, but is still married to you. He's even dating old girlfriends! You ask what's wrong with people, and yet you put up with being treated like this. Give your head a shake and say, "What's wrong with me? No more of this cheater!" Break it off with him and let him sext, text and date to his heart's desire. You need the freedom to build a new life for yourself and look for a better guy who isn't living and loving on his phone.
Please send your questions or comments c/o email@example.com or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6