She couldn't be happier with her nerd

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met my husband on April Fool's Day seven years ago when my cousin, who had a jealous thing about me, set me up with the nerdiest guy at her college dorm, as a laugh for her and her friends. She thought I would run from him screaming, but I actually liked this smart, awkward boy with the big plans for his future, and slowly we fell in love. And wow, was he ever good in bed -- he'd read a bunch of sex books, unlike most guys. We got engaged on April Fool's Day a few year's later, and phoned my cousin up to say, "April Fool! We just got engaged. Thanks for the set-up." She literally didn't know what to say. Yep, we're two fools in love, have cool jobs and a kid on the way. -- Two April Fools, Fort Richmond

Dear Fools: It's fun to get the last laugh, isn't it? Let's hear it for Revenge of the Nerds!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm devastated because my husband found out about my female lover and went to see her. He begged her to stay away from me and our family (we have three kids) and she felt terrible and said she would. I love them both equally and for different reasons and had been completely and fully happy until this blew up. Last night he said to me, "I can see what I have that she doesn't have, but I sure can't see what SHE has that I don't have." I was so mad I said, "She gives me tenderness, and if we want that feeling you're thinking about, we have the toys. You have never seen a man so deflated. He thought he held the big ace. He said, "Well that's it, then. I'm throwing in the towel." You may think I could just transfer all my feelings to my female lover, but I can't. I love my husband too, and I need both kinds of sexual partners in my life. What am I supposed to do now? -- Want My Life Back, Winnipeg

Dear Want: Everybody is hurting -- three people -- and yet this is still about you wanting it all. Those days are over. Your husband didn't throw in the towel until you took away the last inch of male pride he had. That was the one special thing he thought he could give you. By the way, your female lover is staying away because she feels sorry for the effect of this explosion on the kids. She wasn't worried about your husband's feelings before, or she wouldn't have had the affair with you. When the dust clears -- and it may take a long time -- you may still have her on the side, but you'll want to look for a man who doesn't think a female/female relationship is a threat. In the meantime, family counselling is a must, as family breakup (divorce) is not just about the parents.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was cleaning the basement (first time in 10 years) and found my husband's porn collection hidden under a pile of blankets in a trunk with a false bottom, which was a crack open. I looked because I was curious when I saw a lot of handprints on the lid. Imagine my surprise when I found out my husband wasn't looking at women with normal breasts like mine. When I took one magazine full of women with these melon-sized accoutrements to him, all he said was, "That was before I met you and everything changed." Liar! Why would he be going into that trunk so recently? They were man-sized handprints? I'm scared to ask the questions I need to ask and we do have teenage boys as well who could be into them now. -- Worried Sick, Charleswood

Dear Worried: You are burning the worst kind of energy by not asking. Ask your husband quietly for the whole truth, looking at his face. Know what your main questions need to be, before you start. It may be an old fantasy, a continued fantasy or possibly part of a porn addiction -- or one of the kids may be looking at them now. Ask him when the kids are out of the house, not just in their rooms. Going for a drive is a bad idea as you may drive right off the road -- a walk is better if you have no privacy at home.

Questions or comments? Write Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press 1355 Mountain Ave. Wpg R2X 3B6 or email lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition April 1, 2012 A15