DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My Valentine's gift had to be discussed ahead of time so my sweetheart could get time off. We are going, on my points, to a sunspot by the ocean in two weeks. Trouble ahead! He has just confessed his big fantasy is to swim nude with me in the ocean in broad daylight. I have not told him I'll refuse to do it. I thought I'd just back out when we got there. I know he is going to be very disappointed and I love the guy. What do you suggest? -- Disappointment Looming, St. Boniface
Dear Disappointment: Walk into the ocean hand-in-hand. Go out to your chest level -- neck deep is too deep. Slip off your suit, and tie it securely around your wrist and he can do the same with his. Now you are naked under the water swimming nude in the ocean together -- fantasy accomplished. No need to do the crawl or the back stroke as cracking the surface stark naked is a bad idea.
A couple wrote once to say that they went skinny dipping without suits and got reported. Soon a police officer was on the beach yelling for them to come in and get arrested. They stayed way out in the water until it got dark and the police officer went off shift. They were cold and withered up. This was not fun -- hardly a fantasy come true. So wade out in your suits and be careful not to lose them to put back on, or wait until you get back to Canada and go to a nude-friendly beach on Lake Winnipeg.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am exhausted by my bridegroom who chased me around on our honeymoon relentlessly. There seemed to be no satisfying him. He hardly wanted to go out to have dinner or go sightseeing. I can't tell you where we went or people will know who we are. When I got home I had honeymoon cystitis and the doctor said I had to take a week off from "lovemaking" while I used medication.
Miss L., it didn't feel like "lovemaking" when we were away. It felt like mechanical sex. My new husband is not being romantic or flirtatious or cute, like he was before we got married. It feels like he thinks he bought me and now he's got a live-in sex machine. I don't want to get this marriage off to a bad start, but enough is enough. I don't owe him constant sex for a diamond ring. I want to go back to the romantic way he was when we were engaged, both living at our parents houses, and only managing to have sex when no one was around. It was so special then. Please help. -- Fed Up Depressed Bride, Winnipeg
Dear Fed Up: Many happily married couples absolutely refuse to go away for two whole weeks alone together because they can't bear each other bare 24/7 for 14 days. One or both people just can't stand that much intimacy -- emotional or sexual. Next time you travel, invite other couples or family to come with you, so there's more for your husband to think about than "It's been two hours since we last did the deed!"
As for dealing with your new husband back at home, you need to talk to him about the honeymoon -- way too much for you. Explain the over-the-top frequency is actually turning you off. He won't want that. Explain you need time away and time together -- fun and romance and affection for its own sake. Then schedule some time for separate interests and dates every week. As they say in that old country song, "How can I miss you, if you won't go away?"
Now, for your rights as a married woman: You have promised to be faithful to him, but you have every right to say no when you don't want to. You're still the owner of your own body and what it does and when. In a good marriage, sex arises from feelings of mutual desire, not the alarm bell on your husband's internal clock.
Please send your questions or comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg R2X 3B6