Start grovelling to repair trust with wife

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Six years ago, in the heat of a terrible argument, I told my wife she had a "fat butt" and she said: "Well, I can lose the weight, but you are a lousy kisser and nothing can fix that." She angrily went to Weight Watchers and lost the fat behind for good. She's skinny now, and we never had that second child we'd planned, either. I'm still haunted by the statement that I'm a lousy kisser. We rarely kiss more than a peck, but she appears to be satisfied in bed. How lousy can I be? She has never apologized, nor have I. I know that it's been six years and it's too late, but how do I phrase it to not make more trouble? "Remember your big bum? I liked, it too." She would sneer at that. When I once told her, "It was nice of you to lose the weight," she said, "I didn't do it for you. I did it for other guys to look at." Things are good technically in bed, and I know she thinks I'm a great dad, but there isn't the same closeness and we never experiment with anything that would involve my seeing her undressed from behind. And why does she take pills against having a second child? -- In the Cold, Tuxedo

Dear Cold: Your wife doesn't feel safe gaining baby weight with you. A second child would mean a gain and a bigger bottom for a while. Apologies can be very powerful and healing. Even six years later, an insult can be dissolved or softened. But personal apologies have to be made eye-to-eye with no excuses like "If you hadn't..." or "But you should have..." Consider something this: "I'm sorry about the stupid thing I said to you six years ago about your bottom. I was angry and shot off my big mouth. I didn't really mean it in the first place. She will say, "Oh yes, you did, because you thanked me for losing the weight." Then you say, "Well, I was an immature idiot back then, and I am deeply, deeply sorry." Some apologies need to be repeated, so say it every few days, even get down on your knees a few times (with a grin on your face) until it becomes a joke. Only after she gets past this, can you ask her what you do that makes you a lousy kisser. She may say, "Nothing! I just wanted to get you back!" or she may say, "Well you could do this and this differently." No arguments from you! Just say, "Describe or show me exactly what technique you like." If you can repair the trust, she may even go for a second baby with you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I've been dating a wonderful sweet, kind caring man whom I love with all my heart. But, we had a lot of jealousy issues at the beginning of our relationship -- his jealousy. I never did anything to cause any of these issues. Now I feel almost like I am in a friendship rather than a relationship. We hang out every day, talk about almost everything, but no romance. We haven't had sex in almost a year. He says it's him, not me, and that he doesn't have the desire. I wonder what his true feelings are. I've gained about 25 pounds since meeting him. I honestly think this is an issue for him and he's just too kind to say anything. He injured his shoulder two years ago at work and hasn't been back to work since. Every time I mention sex, he has another ache or pain. I'm tempted to start looking for a sex buddy on the side. I feel he's not attracted; we don't even kiss. However, he always tells me how beautiful he thinks I am. Please help. -- Getting Mixed Messages, Winnipeg

Dear Mixed Messages: You're not married to this guy, and he hasn't worked out. By definition, you two are friends but not love partners. Instead of getting yourself a sex buddy, which would feed right into his jealousy issues once he saw you with the look women get when they are turned on to somebody, break off this non-sexual relationship. Look for a totally new boyfriend who is all things to you. The 25 pounds is not the issue, just as it wasn't in the letter above. The spirit of 100 per cent trust has never been established with you two. Leave a jealousy issue unresolved and the trust is just not there for the sex to happen! Either get some counselling with this man and finally communicate about everything, or pack it in. Don't waste another year!

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition November 26, 2012 D5