DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm married and haven't had sex with my wife for 21/2 years. Since she shut me out of "her" master bedroom and we agreed to stay married for our kids, I was dying of frustration and loneliness. I started seeing a woman "friend" in a professional capacity and I paid her. When I think of how much other money I spend trying to woo my non-working uber-privileged wife so she will deign to have sex with me again -- sports car, trips with girlfriends, expensive clothing allowance, $200 visits to the hair salon, weekly facials at $85 --I feel sick. My family told me she just married me for the money. They were right in the end. The trouble is I'm slowly falling I love with my "friend." I know she has a few others and the money helps her with her life. But, she has become very special to me, the way my wife was before we got married and had kids. Last night I asked if she would go out with me in public for dinner at a very fancy restaurant and she said, "You know that's against the rules." I asked her if she had feelings for me and she smiled and said, "I'm fond of you." Like you'd be fond of a puppy, for God's sake! Then I said, "Well, I am starting to fall in love with you, and she said, "Then we will have to end it." I feel so lonely and bitter. Please help. -- Nobody Wants Me, Winnipeg.
Dear Nobody Wants Me: You're looking for love in all the wrong places. A call girl isn't set up to dispense love as well as sex to multiple clients. Her real love could be a woman, or a guy her age who suspects nothing, or a guy who knows everything. If your marriage is dead, then you and your wife are living a lie in front of your kids, who will not be fooled forever. Other peoples' parents are warm and affectionate, and sleep in the same bedroom and travel together. Kids may not say anything, but they do notice. Setting up your own household nearby and starting to date women who are single and also looking for love is the way to go. Now that you've stopped seeing the call girl, stop bankrolling your wife's luxuries, and both of you will be in a cranky enough mood for a change. It's time to talk to a domestic lawyer and go after an authentic life.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm 31 and should know better. Last night I went out with a woman for the first time and really liked her. At the end of the night, after too much wine, I tried to persuade her to go to bed with me. She was reluctant so I suggest we have more wine. Then she suggested we have sex, so we did. I really want to see her again, but when I texted her, she said she was sorry it turned into a one-night stand and we had blown the chance for a real relationship by going to bed too soon and then she said "adios" and hung up. Is it worth trying to persuade her? -- Dumb Guy, Winnipeg
Dear Dumb Guy: Learn from your mistakes. This time respect what the lady says when she is sober, and let it go. If you're still thinking about her in three months, call her up, say you can't get her out of your mind, and ask if you could start at square one with a casual activity-based date and a coffee. Right now she may suspect you think she's easy and you just want more sex.
Questions or comments? Please email email@example.com or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg R2X 3B6