Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I agree with the opinion that close friends and family should tell someone if his or her spouse is cheating on them. Here is my predicament: All three people involved in a love triangle are friends of mine. The affair started about a year ago in a heat-of-the-moment situation. It grew into a relationship from there.
I supported my friend, the lover, although I encouraged her to end it. The wife was suspicious from the beginning, but over the last few months has been asking some questions and making comments. The guy is playing them both, trying to make his marriage work, but still being involved in an emotional and physical affair.
I really want to tell the wife, and actually feel obligated to because she is a close friend, too, but in the process, it will blow everything up for my other friend, the lover. The guy, at this point, I don't care about. He will get what he deserves, which should be neither woman, hopefully. How have some of your readers handled situations like this before? I don't want to lose either friend in all this, but am scared I will lose both. -- Wish I Didn't Know, Winnipeg
Dear Wish: Enough of carrying this burden! Your friend, the lover, is a jerk, just like the husband. These are not true friends. On top of what they are doing, they involved you in their nasty little conspiracy. The wife is innocent. What were you thinking when you protected these two cheaters and lied to the poor wife?
Prepare to lose all three friends, but to regain the ability to sleep at night.
When the wife started hinting at you, you should have told her the truth then. So, when you do tell her, tell it all. Do not continue to keep parts of it hidden. It is her reality, and if her husband has been telling her she's crazy for doubting him, she will know she is not crazy and he's a louse. It may take a while for her to get past the initial denial and let it sink in, and she may yell at you, but understand that she will go through many feelings, and the first ones won't be the last ones.
Spill your guts. You don't need to tell raw details like sex moves and trysting places and such, but you do need to tell the wife when you found out about the affair and that you are terribly sorry for not telling her the truth right then. Tell her you feel rotten about knowing, especially when she was starting to feel it in her gut and you feigned innocence when she asked you questions. She asks you because she needs to know and her husband is lying to her. Everybody lies to her. You be the first to stop.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I threw a wet snowball at a person I thought was my friend and it was someone else. It hit her on the back and she turned around, saw it was me and scream, "Why? What did I ever do to you?" She is a kid from our class that nobody likes much and here I was acting like another mean girl picking on her. I told her I was sorry and thought she was a friend of mine. Then she really started to cry. She said: "I have no friends, no friends!"
I told my mom how bad I felt and asked what I could do and she couldn't think of anything good to do. What do you think? Please help! -- Mean Girl By Accident, Winnipeg
Dear By Accident: Go see your teacher or a guidance counsellor at your school privately (don't involve your friends) and describe the situation. The teacher or counsellor may know this girl from other incidents and might find a good way to make peace between the two of you. The teacher may be able to help her know for sure you really didn't mean to throw the snowball and hurt her and that you're truly sorry. It will show that you cared enough to go see someone about it and make your apology much more believable. That may help the girl know that not everybody dislikes her. Then start saying hello to this girl in class, even if your friends shun her. Acknowledge she is there, that she is seen and that she is greeted in a friendly way by you.
Please send your questions or comments c/o firstname.lastname@example.org or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6