DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I have spent four weeks trying to find the guts to tell my very new wife I can't stand her and her interfering family she is so glued to and that I want the hell out. So far I haven't said a word to her and I keep having "honeymoon sex" so it seems normal. We got married a few months ago and I want out as fast as I can. I don't know how to tell her that. She will go off her head. My two female buddies say to wait a year and give her a little dignity, but I can't see waiting that long. I feel like my head is going to bust. Please help me figure out what to do. -- Miserable Groom, Winnipeg
Dear Miserable: You want to be decent about this indecency? Then at least give your new wife a few clues so this break up doesn't come as a total shock. Let her know you are not happy and then start complaining in detail about all the things you are miserable about. Given a chance and some counselling, maybe you can get back to the way you felt before the marriage. If you never complain, and keep having hot sex, how does she know?
If you do finally tell her after a solid month of complaining and being a pain in the butt, that you're through, she will understand why you are heading off down the road. She will be hurt and embarrassed and need some help to get through it, but she will know how it happened and perhaps be sick of you too. And, by the way, stop collecting on the honeymoon sex. Your reasoning is just sleazy.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I'm a former model who ate way too much for my own good and got really fat. I got pregnant and gained 60 pounds. I lost 20 with the baby. Now I have 40 pounds to lose and my husband says he likes my new big-breasted body the way it is. Now he tells me, he hated it when I was rail thin, about 20 pounds underweight. I should tell you I am very tall -- about six feet. I loved the way my clothes hung and how light and liberated I felt. Now I am plodding along like a bloated cow, in my opinion. He says I've got it all wrong, that now I finally look like a real woman, and he loves it. Who is right? -- Tall Cow, River Heights
Dear Tall Cow: It is your body and you should have it the way you want it unless a happy compromise can be reached where you lose another 20, but don't go back to looking stick-thin. That 20 pounds should put you at a normal weight for your height. Your husband has no more right to tell you what to weigh than you would have to tell him what he should weigh unless there is a major health problem such as diabetes or heart disease. Then you have the right to nag loudly and often.
Please send questions or comments to firstname.lastname@example.org or send letters c/o Miss Lonelyhearts, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, R2X 3B6