Take a page from the European playbook

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is changing in a way that scares me. It's his body mostly. He is lifting weights without mentioning it. At first it was slight, but now it is noticeable. It makes him look younger. I notice him playing one love song over and over again, and it's not "our song." Today took the cake. He came home with $817 worth of clothes -- I saw the bill and I don't know what the clothes are for. He doesn't wear this kind of modern young men's clothes. He usually wears baggy middle-aged guy clothes, and he works as an electrician. I told my best friend and she asked me if he might be having an affair. I was shocked. Then I realized we hadn't had sex for the last two months (on his birthday) and he hasn't asked, doesn't seem to care. Usually he bugs me for sex every week or two. I don't miss it. But I do love him! He is everything to me -- my rock, the father of our teenage children. If he is having an affair I don't want to know, or to rock the boat and have him leave me. I don't work and, to be honest, the kids and I are totally dependent on him for the way we live -- very comfortably with a house cabin, and two cars. Don't tell me to ask him if he's cheating on me because I won't. What else can I do? -- Terrified To Lose Him. Winnipeg

Dear Terrified: Assume he's having an affair, and fight to re-interest him. The odds are stacked in your favour because of your history and your family together. If you want to execute a stealth attack with a humorous parallel, go buy your own stylish new clothes, take up weight-lifting without telling him. Get acquainted with some new music, buy some CD's and play them when he's home and initiate sex regularly. In a few weeks, take it a step further. Look for a job -- even half-time to start -- and start pulling some of the financial weight and becoming more secure and independent. Start going out more socially, especially when he goes out, and come home cheerful without chatting too much about where you were and what you did. Joke with him and have some fun. Let him start thinking about you again as a person he doesn't know as well as he thought, not a household convenience: "What is she up to? I wonder if it's the same thing I'm up to." This is not the North American way of dealing with mid-life affairs. Actually it's more European, but it has its merits. Please write back and report on how this goes for you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I pushed a young woman at work across the room, but she hasn't told Human Resources because she knows she deserved it. I saw her stealing expensive perfume out of my purse and putting it in her purse. I followed her to the big bathroom and demanded to see in her purse. she wouldn't let me so I pushed her hard, grabbed her purse and pulled out the perfume she had stolen from me. I said "This is mine and I saw you take it." She couldn't say anything to that. Then I walked out of the room, giving her a bad look. Now what should I do - tell my boss? Try to talk to her? I don't want her near me but we have to work in the same big office. Please help. -- Two Desks Over, Broadway

Dear Two Desks: You got your perfume back and she isn't likely to steal from you again, but the tension must be very difficult. What if you are assigned to do some work together? Give it a week and then say: "I'd like to apologize for pushing you and to talk privately with you about what happened the other day." Don't mention the phrase "stole my perfume" when you invite her to talk, as that's a hot button. Ask her WHY she did it, so you can maybe understand her actions. Whatever comes of this this, it's better to introduce this discussion so you know what is in her mind. If you are frightened by her way of thinking after the talk, involve your immediate boss and he/she might involve possibly Human Resources.

lovecoach@hotmail.com

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition May 24, 2012 D4