DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I'm in love with "an old coot," according to my mother, who is one herself. I think she's jealous. I am a 59-year-old woman and I am in love with a man who is 82 and an old friend of hers. He won't give me a chance at romance because he says he's "too old for the meat of romance." Phooey! Don't I get a chance to decide who's too old for me? It's not like he has any money to bequeath me -- I'm no gold digger. I just love that crazy guy -- he's a musician, artist and humorist, and single now. How can I convince him to let me sleep with him and be more than a friend who loves him? He's afraid he can't "perform," but I can bring a suitcase full of sex toys that work 100 per cent of the time. I don't see the problem with getting together. What should I do? -- August-December Romance, North End
Dear August: Does he want you for more? Just because you want him, and he's an older man, doesn't mean he necessarily wants you romantically. Perhaps he's letting you down easy. But, if you have been flirting back and forth, and it's clear he would like to have you if he could, you might sneak a toy or two into your purse -- not the whole suitcase -- and casually show him how they work. Show him how they run and ask him to help you put in the batteries. Being the creative type, he might be intrigued.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in regards to the 18-year-old who came home and found his parents having sex. He should be proud his parents still have a healthy sexual relationship with grown-up children. Just because the kids are older doesn't mean an end to sex!
I find it refreshing that other parents have been caught in the act. It shows that even all those years together rearing their families hasn't dulled their love for each other. I find that my husband and I need to hide behind locked doors or sneak to the bathroom in order to get a few moments of adult time. I hope in a few years, when the kids are grown, we still have a healthy sexual relationship. -- Hurray for the Folks, Winnipeg
Dear Hurray: Frankly, it's hard to see how it did this 18-year-old kid any good to have the image of his mom and dad doing the wild thing burned into his mind, but one can appreciate your sentiment that it will be great when you and your husband have the freedom to roll on the carpet again whenever you like. That's great for you, but not for your kids, no matter what their ages. Put the chain on the door if you're ready to roar.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I think my friend is having an affair with a married man. She has a visitor who parks in her garage only when she's alone: sometimes it's during the day, sometimes in the evening and sometimes later at night.
I ran into her at a restaurant with a guy wearing a gold wedding band. Although I'm not certain it is the same guy as the visitor, I did see a black sports car like his in the parking lot. She introduced her lunch companion as a friend from university and someone she used to work with. They appeared quite comfortable and cosy together.
When I ask her about her mysterious visitor, she doesn't answer me or changes the subject. I have asked her if she's having an affair with a married man and she denies it. The last thing I want for her is to get caught up in a scandal, or worse, have her heart broken. How can I encourage her to end whatever is going on? Should I see if I can track down the guy from the restaurant and determine if he is the secret visitor? -- Worried in the Wood, Manitoba
Dear Worried: You are a stellar busybody! By your own admittance, you monitor this friend's house from noon to midnight. She doesn't need a security system with your laser vision beamed on her. And you have questioned her and done everything you possibly can to warn this friend who, I take it, is single, against the man. Back off! You don't know the guy who sneaks into her garage to park, and it sounds like she's single. If you were seeing a married guy and she attacked you verbally as you do her, wouldn't you have told her to mind her own business in much stronger words by now?
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