DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother says I have a "fat ass" like hers. She keeps telling me ways to disguise it and points to her own big butt as a way to excuse her critical comments. It's like she wants us to belong to a Mother and Daughter Big Butt Club, and she thinks it's cute. I hate it! In fact, I've developed a big problem over it. I won't go to the beach and go swimming unless I think I will be the only one there. I don't ever wear jeans or pants, just skirts and tops to cover it. The other night, my friends dragged me out to a downtown club and this guy, who kept buying me drinks and asking me to dance, finally said, "You have a great booty, just like J-Lo's." Rrrright. I am not a dummy. I am in second year university. I thought he was nuts and told him so, and then he went away like I had kicked him. Weird! Is he some kind of pervert who just wants a woman because of her strange behind? -- Can't Win For Losing, River Heights
Dear Can't Win: You can't win for thinking you're a loser and that your attractiveness as a person is defined by your buttocks. You don't hear Michelle Obama, or anybody who sees that attractive woman, commenting about her curvy hips. It's time to face off with your mother on this topic. You heard me. She needs to hear straight from your lips that all this talk about your behind and hers is over for good. You've had your quota for life. Suggest she get some therapy over her fixation and quietly get some counselling over this problem yourself through your university services so it doesn't follow you through life. You don't realize this yet, but the way you treated that young man on the dance floor was abominable and unnecessary. He wasn't a pervert; he was attracted to you just the way you are.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A few months ago, I found out my husband of 15 years had been cheating on me. He then left me for this woman across town. She left her husband, too. He and I made contact and found out we were quite brutally deceived by a mountain of lies. We began speaking daily, as we both have young children and are very concerned for them. I should tell you neither of us was happy in our marriages but stayed for the children (he has two and I have three). Now that we're separated we both have our own homes and shared custody. Soon after we began talking, this man and I started a romantic relationship. It is wonderful -- he's kind, sweet, attractive and we're very similar. The relationship has become quite serious, but we're keeping it secret, so as not to confuse our poor children more than they already are. My ex-husband would also go crazy as he is very jealous. He continues to harass me non-stop, even though he's moved in with this other woman. Most of my family and friends have been supportive of my new relationship, but not all of them. Do you think this is a healthy relationship so soon after a 15-year marriage, or are we crazy? -- Finally Loving Life, Charleswood
Dear Finally: Looking for a little revenge? Well then, don't make the kids pay. It may not be too soon for YOU and this guy to match up, but it's way too soon for your children. Some of them may already know. What kind of secret is it when everybody knows but your ex? At least stop deceiving yourself. You didn't need to start talking with this guy every single day about your kids, and you've already been telling friends and family, who could potentially tell your ex. This situation will upset your jealous ex-husband far more if he is the last to know, but there will be some satisfaction in that for you. Look, you wanted out anyway, so be discreet for a time if it's not too late and see if it actually works out past your revenge stage. If so, it'd be best to get this thing out in a whole family-counselling situation where a trained professional can help with everybody's explosive, mixed-up feelings. And your new man, should do the same on his side with his ex and his kids.
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