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Tell your wife before you have sex with a man

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I used to be a great husband. Now I am a lousy, lying husband. Last year a new man came to work in our office and he's bisexual. He's also married. Over the last year we have worked closely on a lot of projects and I have started to like him a lot. I know he has feelings for me, too. This week, we stayed late again, although neither of us had to. We went out for dinner, then went back to the office and I had a bottle in my desk. We have never had sex/made love, and we didn't that night either, but we talked about our feelings at the end of many drinks and we are both on the same page.

I thought my wife, whom I met in high school, was the only person in the world I could love. Now I love two people of two different sexes. The guy at work is younger. He says he will never tell his wife, or leave her. I am sick about this and don't know what to do. My wife and I have no children. If I tell her about this, it will break her heart. -- Rotten Husband, Winnipeg

Dear Rotten Husband: Run this forward in your mind. Let's say you decide against an affair with this man but you need to get away from him. Do you stop working together? Try to bury it? What if you can't? Here's the thing: your wife really deserves to know if you're going to continue being with him and getting sexually/emotionally involved, too. You have probably distanced yourself from her because of it. You know you're working a lot to be near him. She will be wondering what is going on. It would be better to tell her now, before things develop sexually with this male partner. That would be in keeping with the vows you made. To be honest and true means telling the person sharing her life with you what you are struggling with, especially when it involves her life decisions. If any readers have dealt with this, please write in with your experience and advice.


Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ate like a mad fool and then went and up-chucked so I wouldn't get fat. My husband followed me to the bathroom door and heard what was going on. He yelled through the door, "I know what you're doing! You're purging. That's not dieting -- that's killing yourself!" After I came out he screamed at me like my mother.

I picked up a few clothes and went to stay with my sister. She struggled with bulimia as a teen. Now I'm married to a guy in the fashion industry surrounded by skinny models. What am I supposed to do? He likes thin women and we both know it. I can't pig out and get away with it as I gain weight so easily. Please help. -- Rock and a Hard Place, River Heights

Dear Rock: You need couples counselling at this point, together and apart. Your husband married you, not one of the thin people in his working world. There's a good reason for that. You and he need to get all this out on the table so he knows the pressure you feel and that you think you have to keep yourself thin in order to continue having his love and admiration. This could be totally wrong, or it could be right. If it's right you have to decide how much longer you want to stay in relationship like that. Eating and purging robs you of the nutrients you need for your body.

Your sister, if she's totally recovered, could be helpful to you if you're willing to listen. She, as well as your doctor, will have some resources and ideas on who would be the best person for you to see, based on your personality. It is definitely time to see a specialist in this area.


Please send your questions or comments c/o or mail letters to Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Republished from the Winnipeg Free Press print edition October 8, 2013 D4

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